Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

I am so used to dating assholes that being with a genuinely nice, caring guy makes me feel a little bit stagnant. I don't have to be on the defensive all the time, ready for the next biting remark to be flung my way and waiting armed with an equally hurtful quip. I think part of me was once really attracted to that unpredictability.

And it's made me realize, being with A is a lot more than a fresh start. I am redefining my entire conceptualization of what it means to be in a relationship, and starting to see how it feels to be truly fulfilled and legitimized as a person and an equal partner.

We had one of those BIG conversations today...the type that you hold off on until you really feel comfortable and ready to have it. The kind that either confirms everything or sends the poor guy out the door. I am hoping that someone out there catches my drift without me having to divulge much more than that. But it went really well. It was easy, and comfortable...and that was nice.

I really need to stop freaking out about insignificant things. I have nothing to worry about. Everything has been awesome so far. I think that is the problem. I'm not used to not having a complaint. It's too good to be true...but it really is THAT GOOD.

The challenge now is going to be getting my brain to believe that I do, in fact, deserve this. Even now, I don't always see myself as good enough for anyone, much less a guy as considerate as the one I've got.

My next big hurdle is being able to deal with setbacks without automatically assuming that there are other shady dealings afoot. And THAT is going to be a tough habit to break.

Back Home

Well, I survived my trip. It was a decent mix of options 1 and 2 from below's post. We saw and did a lot of the tourist-y things that NYC had to offer, and I wound up with some really cool pictures.

One of the more poignant moments of the trip for me was going to Ground Zero. I was really the only one who wanted to see it, but when the tour bus stopped nearby, I dragged everyone else off the bus with me. You couldn't see much because there were construction fences and trailers everywhere, but the sheer emotion of that place blew me away. I'm not ashamed to admit that I shed a few tears standing there, imagining the chaos that overtook the scene some six and a half years ago. I never really realized just how well NYC managed to bounce back from it all until I was down there, looking around at some of the buildings that had been rebuilt. I don't think I truly understood the spirit of the city until I saw it from there.

This is probably my favorite picture from the trip. It's the church where they set up a first aid station during the 9/11 attacks, but besides being a historical landmark, it really is a beautiful building. I loved the architecture, especially compared to the huge buildings situated around it.

Another highlight of the trip for me was going to the top of the Empire State Building Friday night. I am terrified of heights, and elevators freak me out, so I spent a large part of my Friday afternoon debating whether or not to go up and see the view. I'm glad I did it though. The view was breathtaking. New York City is huge!! The vast expanse of lights seemed never-ending...I could have spent all night up there, soaking it in. Here are a few pictures from the top:
Insane, right?

For all the complaining I did beforehand about having to spend so much time with my family, it really wasn't too bad. We had our moments, but all in all I think it was good for us.

Check out more pics on my Facebook account.

Later!

Yeah, yeah...

...I am aware. It's been a while since I actually posted anything original. Unfortunately, you are going to have to wait a bit longer because I am going to be in New York City until Sunday (and I'm going for the first time...AND I'm going with my family...wait...yay...?). This trip could go one of two ways:

Option 1: I have a really great time.

Option 2: I have an okay time due to the incessant family drama that invariably arises whenever we spend extended periods of time together.

Gee...I wonder which one it will be.

All negativity aside, however, I'm excited to get my Big Apple on! Everyone I mention this trip to has given me some sort of sagely advice on where to eat, where to go, what to see, etc. I have a mental list of your suggestions, so I'll try to touch on all of them in the next four days.

Oh, and I'm bringing my computer with me...so stay tuned for updates! No doubt I'll have some interesting stories to share.

Some Randoms.

For you new readers (okay, there's only two of you...but still):

Sometimes I like to upload things that I've written in my journals. Usually it's old stuff that is somehow relevant to my life today, or things that I think are actually decent (and could even be good if I took the time to fix them up a bit). I don't usually date the things I write, mostly because I believe that there is a universal message in everything. Stamping a piece of writing with a particular date takes away from its ability to speak to you years later, in my opinion. So there's really no telling how old some of this stuff is.

But enough talk...here:

"DESTINY- Sometimes I wonder why our paths have not yet intertwined. Where are you hiding? In the midst of what shadows have you buried your hands so that they are unable to reach out and touch me and make me feel alive again? I want to believe, but I can't."

"Redefining myself, on my own terms and NOT on his, has been the toughest journey of my life."

"Distance.
Reaching out, but you turn away.
Coming back to taunt me with your cries for help,
Only to shut back off again.
I don't want to be on your fringe,
Hanging on for dear life while you fly around as if I am not there,
Scrambling, prying, doing anything to reach you.
Your fire, your zest, your life, burns hot.
And mine? Like ice."

"Hit or miss. Sink or swim. Pass or fail. Collectively, we are a species of the black and white. We can laugh and cry together, then turn our backs at even the slightest shake-up. We'll backstab our closest friends, we'll act like moronic fools to make boys look at us. We'll betray family, friends, country- leave it all behind if it means that we can achieve somewhere else. We judge and we're quick to point the finger, and even quicker to pull the trigger. We waste away in unfulfilled lives, every aspect of our existence FAKE.

And yet, there is hope. Hope for the few REAL people out there. We are the genuines. We are small in number, but we are strong. We have the power to move ahead of their stagnant mediocrity, and we soar. We're the free-spirits, the old souls, the thinkers. We are honest and true and loyal.

The problem? Right now, I can't find the "we" I speak of."

Note: This one stings a bit to put online...but I actually think it's decent:

"When you say forever, I need you to mean it, with your whole heart. It's not a word that I take lightly. Not one you can throw around to any old lover. Forever goes beyond that, beyond everything, beyond life itself. And it needs to be true, needs to happen. Or else you're just another name to add to the list of liars. It's gotta be non-negotiable, with no asterisk and a note from the author saying "but only under these conditions..." You'll need to accept me for the melodramatic brat we both know I can be, for my tears, for all the bad things I hate most about myself; but also for the sweet, loving person that I am, and for all the times I've made you laugh so hard that you couldn't breathe. There are going to be some good times, and some bad, but if we remember that one word we've both finally gotten the courage to say to one another, we'll be okay. No, better than that. Fantastic. Forever."

"her wings are cramped with the dreams she'll never chase. the friends. the grades. the parties. all mean nothing now. More than anything, she wants to fly again, soar above the world that keeps on holding her back. It used to be so easy for her to take flight, and now she's so weighed down she can barely stand. What if she could do it all over again? What if she failed just once, could she learn...could she grow? Would she see, then, that she has the type of life that so many would LOVE to have?"

Lots of good things have been happening to me. And I know that a lot of equally good things are rapidly developing.

I think 2008 is going to be my year.

11 Things I Learned While Skiing Today:

1) Screaming "ohmygod ohmygod, oh SHIT" is not going to help you slow down when you (namely, ME) decides that it would be a smart decision to go on an intermediate trail alone after not having skied for seven years.

2) In fact, screaming may actually make you fall down faster. Which I did...and I have the banged up knee to prove it!

3) If you do fall, giving the kids laughing on the ski lift above you an evil glare will usually shut them up. If not, remember to openly stifle a giggle when they struggle more than you did.

4) Snowboarders are dumb. I know, because I've done it. They like to fall, a lot.

5) Spending buttloads of money on Gortex and high-tech snowsports equipment when you've never skied before makes you look like an ass. Case in point: the "winner" with pink skis and matching snow pants who fell every time she tried to move around. You should have let your rich Daddy buy you a lesson instead of making him shell out cash just so you could look nice for the Ski Patrol who hovered around you all day.

6) Riding in a car with two boys leaves you victim to the following: fart jokes, burps, actual farts, excessive teasing, under-the-breath comments, and low-brow humor. The sad part? I fit right in!!

7) Do not, under any circumstance, attempt to get fancy towards the end of the day. You may feel like a hotshot, but trying a hockey stop while coming off a ski lift will only end in embarrassment. And did I mention how humiliating it is to have your friend M pull you up by his pole because you hopelessly flailed around on the ground for five minutes???

8) When you haven't skied in seven years, EXPECT to be shown up by small children that barely reach past your bellybutton. I am convinced that little kids have a gene that allows them to zip down steep hills at top speed, one that I apparently grew the hell out of. I ate their dust.

9) Ski food sucks. I think it's intentionally designed to come out of you faster than a skier coming down a double black.

10) There is nothing funnier than watching your hick friend M smoke a cig while trying to squeeze into his too-small custom-made ski boots. Unless he walks into Fuddrucker's wearing pajama pants, a camo hat WITH fish-hook, and a hunting vest (which he did!).

11) Speaking of Fuddrucker's....eat nearby the ski resort because when you get back to Maryland and try to eat peacefully in full-out winter garb, you WILL get stared at. Especially if you refuse to take your wool hat off because your hair is such a mess. Again, me.

Traffic and Paradise

I was stuck on 270 tonight for an hour and a half.

Here are the things I did to pass the time:

1) Rotated between blasting the heat and cranking the A/C

• Nearby motorists seemed amused that I was able to fog and defog my windows at will.

2) Made a new friend.

• The friendly old man in the Accord one lane over. We exchanged wry smiles and waves whenever we pulled up next to each other. When the traffic cleared we both cheered.

3) Talked on the phone.

• Duh. Who wouldn't?

4) Played steering-wheel-drummer.

• I dropped dat beat, yo.

....and my personal favorite....

5) Performed the greatest rendition of Soulja Boy ever seen in the Local Lanes, much to the delight of my new friend.

L-O-S-E-R

Britney Spears' new single, "Piece of Me"?....

....I actually like it. Kill me now. PLEASE!! ;)

One. Forward.

I got the job at the campus bookstore. After a minor freak-out from waking up at 10:30 for an 11:00 interview, I got there right in the nick of time and spoke to both managers. I start Monday, and I'm really excited to have a job that is going to get me out of the house and back on campus. Hopefully I can figure out a way to keep working there during the spring semester, just to have a little bit more cash flow.

Yesterday was tough for me. I spent the day with BG because her boyfriend broke up with her and she was a mess. It was hard to see her falling apart, even more so because she reminded me so much of myself four months ago. The denial, the lack of sleep, the unwillingness to eat or do anything to keep herself healthy. I kept telling her that she would be okay, but (again, like me) she didn't believe it. Not yet, at least. Before I left to go to rehearsal, she started crying really hard and it broke my heart to leave her like that. She called me today to talk more. I love that I can be there for her...but I feel inept at giving advice on break-ups because so much of what I say are things I should be doing myself.

Rehearsal was just as frustrating last night. I came in with so much negative energy from being with BG all day that the setbacks we had pushed me over the edge. Everyone was tired and cranky, especially me. I find it can be tough to get them to take me seriously. Sometimes I have to argue to get control. I don't know...I'm not that much older than them...I hope that's all it is, and not so much a reflection of the type of job I'm doing. Still, it makes me question things.

Things got better afterwards though. I found myself just driving around for a while, trying to clear my head. I didn't want to go home but I had no one to talk to. So I went to A's apartment in Rockville. Turns out he's a really good listener too, even though he had NO idea what I was talking about half the time. A bowl of ice cream and some cuddles later, I felt a lot better. So much positive energy comes from him, making me really glad that I decided to stop by.

Today, besides landing the new job, was good because I met up with my old friend E who I hadn't spoken to or seen in three years. We got coffee and caught each other up on our lives. We were best friends up until high school, when we started to drift apart. We have always had a really unique bond though. No matter how much time passes, we are able to blend back into each other's lives so quickly. We made tentative plans for me to go up and spend a weekend with her later on this semester, which I am really excited about. I am looking forward to having her back in my life. It wasn't quite the same without her.

But yeah, enough of my babbling. Time to enjoy my weekend :)

It still doesn't feel like enough.

Sometimes I don't feel worthy of the good things that have happened to me over the past few months. Those thoughts are a product of lingering self-esteem issues that I still have to work out, on my own. The past two and a half years slowly ate away my inner strength and happiness. Some days, I'm doing well. Other times it is as if I'm taking steps backward. But I guess the good thing is that I'm still moving. Eventually, I'll get there.

Part of me hopes that he treats her better...because as much as I may dislike her (for reasons that have nothing to do with him), I would never wish this struggle on anyone.