I didn't want you to come here...but a part of me did.

I didn't want to see you...but a part of me did.

I didn't want to talk to you...but a part of me did.

I didn't want to keep your stuff...but a part of me did.

I want this to be over. I want to pack it up, lock it away in some dank corner of my mind, only to be called upon when I need to see an example of how not to act. And yet, I catch myself from time to time thinking about you, forgetting all the lies and the spin you threw at me. The old you. If there is such a thing. And I want it to go away, because your existence has forced me to close myself off. In the face of a new relationship, I am too scared to trust.

I have been told to erase you. I want to, I really do. But I can't. I have to keep in mind the lessons that I have learned. I have to remember the tears that I shed actually do count for something.

Oh wait, I'm writing.

This is frustrating. I have sat here for fifteen minutes, looking at this blank screen, growing ever more agitated by the fact that nothing good is making the jump from my mind to my fingertips. I can get the worst writer's block-- the kind that lasts for days until you finally get past it and the words coming tumbling out of you in one big vomitous stream. I am taking a composition studies class this semester. It's supposed to make me a better writer. Lately we have been working on strategies to combat writer's block...one of which was straight freewriting.

For those who don't know, freewriting is just that: FREE WRITING. You just write for any determined length of time on any topic that happens to pop into your head. The point is to keep your pen or pencil on the page the entire time, and eventually some kernel of higher thinking or fabulous creativity will pop up, and you write from that.

I tried it in class, and wound up with a piece of a short story that, when it is developed, I think could be pretty good. The only problem is that free writing was really hard for me. I'm an edit-as-I-go sort of person and to just sit there and right without worrying about propriety was not easy. That's a product of our education system today. Everything is always about perfection, about deadlines, about formulaic writing that fits the purpose. At least in my experience in college classrooms (and DESPITE the fact that I am an English major), no one seems to value the creative process anymore. Our rough drafts are expected to be final ones, and I find myself trying to compose the perfect copy when really, I just be focusing on getting my ideas out.

Long story short, I'm going to try out this freewriting thing. Maybe it'll push me to post more often.

Let Operation Be-More-Creative commence!

Just...to...slow.........down.

Okay, so I went into panic mode.

Sometimes as I am juggling all of these balls in the air, I look up and freak out over the sheer number of them. School, teaching, work, guard, boyfriend, best friends, social life, sleep, alone time --all whirling around in a continuous, blurring cycle. I think what I forget sometimes is the fact that, so far, I have kept them all going, all spinning. Whatever I am doing to prevent myself from going completely insane, it is working. I am operating on auto-pilot, but I think I'm doing a pretty damn good job of it. No one can believe how I am able to do what I need to do without making myself sick. I'm not sure how either...but I'm just going to keep moving forward and hope there isn't some huge obstacle in the distance that would make me trip up and lose everything.

But now, I have to go. I have things to do ;)

Today has been one of those days...

I feel lonely. And scared. Of what? No idea. But I've just had one of those terrible cries where all I want is to be around people who make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

I am talking to two of my friends studying abroad right now. I miss them...

Sigh.

Things I've Learned So Far...

...this semester.

New best friends often come from unexpected places. Sometimes the people who have always mattered, but still sat on the outskirts of your life, can pop in and play a much bigger role.

Time alone that can be set aside for self-reflection is really hard to come by. Moments like these where I can write...I need to take greater advantage of them.

There is nothing sweeter than those late-night, goofy conversations with the people that you live with. It's how you make those inside jokes that come to define your college experience once you graduate. Make the most of them.

New relationships can be terrifying journeys...but be thankful that you have the opportunity to embark on them. Enjoy the ride, not everyone is so fortunate.

And most importantly (not to mention something I will have to work on for the rest of my life...), focus on yourself. It is not selfish to act in the best interest of number one from time to time. After all, who is the one person who spend the most time with? Yourself. It is natural to feel guilty when, in the process, you have to pull back from the people who matter most to you. But when you come back, you are happier. More confident. A better person and a better friend in the long run.

I think what it comes down to is that I can't give enough of myself to make ANYONE happy.

Life has been so busy for me lately, full of school, work, friends, that I hardly have any time to stop and breathe let alone punctuate my life with any sort of pause where I can sit down and collect myself because as soon as I try to get a break from it all I realize that I only have to get up and do it all over again and the cycle continues and the lack of sleep is beginning to make me wonder if this is all really where I want to be right now