Fear and Joy

I found this in one of my class readings...I don't have the citation, but whoever said it is brilliant.

"Did you know, then, that joy is, in reality, a terror whose outcome we don't fear? We go through terror from beginning to end and that precisely is joy. A terror about which you know more than the beginning. A terror in which you have confidence."

I miss the feeling of contributing to something, or someone important. Really making a difference. I want to be the big sister, the mom again. And right now, it's just made me feel a bit lonely.

Of course I'm bitter. I miss a lot of things from high school.

Writing on....writing?

So my goal of working more on my writing is probably going to have to wait until the summer. Time and work have gotten the best of me. By the time my other priorities are finally out of the way, my energy and my emotions are way too sapped to try to put anything down on paper. I can't help but wonder if my whole approach to this has been wrong as of late.

I think too many of us (mostly me, though) try to write to impress people, to show them just how creative and innovative we truly are with words. I (and we) forget why we write, why we do this, why we plug away for hours on our blogs.

I think for me, it's a lot more about self-catharsis than it is about showing my stuff, my "linguistic prowess." We (and this is a collective "we") write to express ourselves, who cares how others view your style? It's about writing what you want to write, in the way that you want to. If I feel like typing out "lakdhjflkaydagfh jblj agdhja hjfg hjagf jah gbla" and it means something to me, why the hell not?

And maybe, along the way, my words and my thoughts will connect with someone. But, hopefully, it won't be about the way that the words came out or how they look on paper- because WHAT they say is ultimately the most important thing.

I guess now I can say I have a new goal...to stop giving a crap about what my readers think about how I write, and to refocus my energy on why I'm really here-to get it all out, all on the table, to say what I gotta say.

Who gives a damn, this way works for me.

I have so much to say, but I think that the good ol' pen and paper will be better this time around.

Do you ever get scared that you might be losing someone?

3/13/05-3/13/07

Two years...and it all still feels like it just happened yesterday, but in a good way. He makes me a better person. I have grown and come more into my own because of him. And that's important to any relationship.

Here's to us. And to a lot more March 13th's.



Part of me wants to throw this in the face of the people who didn't think we could make it past the summer after I graduated from high school. Maybe they thought trying to stay together through college was unrealistic, but I never doubted for a second that THIS was what I wanted. And it's still what I want. Now it seems that most of those same people are the ones who envy us the most. Funny.

I'm feeling trapped in a cage,
Where every bar is another expectation,
That's been stacked up against me.
The cold, black metal glares unsympathetically into my eyes,
And I just sit there waiting,
Always watching in the hopes that something will happen.
But what?
What am I waiting for?
Someone to break it open?
Someone to let me out of here?
Or is it that I have had the key all along,
And I've been too afraid to look at it?

I think sometimes the thing we fear most is the only thing that will set us free.

And before anyone freaks out, this one was not about him. Not at all.

I'm just afraid to tell people what I really think, what I really feel. So I let them dictate how things work out between us. And now I feel stuck in some situations I can't get out of. It's funny though. I've always prided myself on being able to say what was on my mind...but I don't know, things have changed. Maybe I care about people more, and I don't want to hurt anyone.

Bottom line: I'm a fucking wimp.

Sometimes when I type "blogger" into my web browser...it comes out as "booger."

I wonder what Freud would have to say about that.

Right now I'd rather dive into someone else's drama than deal with my own.

Shadows and Sunshine

I feel restless. It's odd because I know that there are a lot of things that I could (and should!) be doing right now. I just can't motivate myself.

I have too much on my mind, I think. Housing issues for next year, schoolwork, being more involved in guard things, planning for Code Red, balancing my social realms, improving my writing...I need more time to myself where I don't actually NEED to be doing something. Where I can just sit here and stare at the wall, reveling in the fact that I can blissfully do nothing.

Upsides...because positivity is key right now:
New friends, going out on the weekends, a really unexpected (but good!) grade on a paper, spending time with Chris, hanging out with my mom....


It's just...hard. One of my favorite things to say to myself is to "keep on truckin'", but I never really get cleared of the clutter. I wonder how long I can keep my head above the water here before I have a massive breakdown. But maybe that's what I need. Sometimes that helps.

Blah.