wake up, girl.
unfurllllll those fingers that were clamped around his,
so tightly that the blood comes rushing back,
pulsing in warm rays like the sun peeking in through the blinds.

roll over, girl.
back into him. no need to get up now,
just lay. just hold. just be held.
just. be.

lie still, girl.
enjoy these moments,
where the breaths, they rise,
and fall. in unison.
in. out. in. out.

let go, girl.
let loose.
let, something. anything.

Ms. Haze...and other crap.

As it turns out, I had no reason to fear being in the classroom. I love it. I love my students. I love the other staff members. I love my mentor teacher. I love being able to connect with my kids.

There can be no doubt...I am doing what I was meant to do with my life. I need to start working on my portfolio and planning out my student-data research project.

...no one said this was gonna be easy!

I went down to the 9:30 club in DC last night with two of my good girlfriends to see Adele, who is this AMAZING British singer. I can't recommend her enough. Her show ranked in the top five that I've seen--easily. Such an effortless voice, and the most poignant, emotion-wrought lyrics you'll ever hear.

My roommates are going to be returning tomorrow. It'll be nice to have the house full again :)

run haze run

I had a strange sort of out-of-body experience today. I was outside choreographing in my backyard when I felt this overwhelming urge to get away. Nothing prompted it. I just needed to get out.

So I went into my front yard, down the hill, across the street to the sidewalk. And I started running. Usually, the fear of screwing up my already bad knee keeps me from moving anywhere faster than the pace of a light jog. But this time, I just RAN. My feet hit the pavement, and rather than the jolt of pain that shoots up my leg and into my knee, I felt nothing. I measured out my breathing to match the pattern of my steps and after what was probably half a mile, I realized I didn't have any cramping. After that distance, I usually find myself wheezing and slowing down.

The houses and driveways started to blend together and I forgot about everything. The stress of student teaching, trying to hold this guard program together when I can feel myself losing heart in it, and the loss I still feel over my dog. Everything I want to say to people, but can't. It all just floated out of my mind. All that mattered was the next stride, the next breath, the next block. I made a circle, probably no more than a mile and a half, and made it back home.

I can tell you this: my body will regret this freedom tomorrow morning and even if I never find the energy to do this again, the bliss I felt when I wasn't worried about anything can't be matched.

It is back to the real world now...but if I can run that far after years of virtual inactivity, I can buckle down and take on the rest of this.

New Year

So. It is 2009. I am graduating into the real world in five months. I start student teaching full time in two days. I am absolutely terrified of all of the change that I am going to be facing in the next year. But, it's part of life...and rather than make a lame resolution that I know I won't keep, I'm just going to do what I do every year--better myself every day.

I hope I make a good teacher. The next five months are probably going to be the most challenging of my life. The 5 AM wakeups, the paperwork, the bureaucracy, the balance I am going to need to keep guard a top priority in the midst of it all. I am up to the challenge, I have no choice but to be.