He has been just what I've needed to get over you.

Tonight, I'm going out for the first time since everything happened. For me, this is HUGE.

Let Operation Turn-my-life-around commence.

Just What I Needed...

I know that I have resisted posting song lyrics up here, but I heard this yesterday afternoon as I drove to class from my apartment...and there's nothing else out there right now that could say it all for me. It's almost like God's way of telling me that I'm going to be okay. He brought this song to me at the perfect moment.


"Over You"-Daughtry

Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
Well I'm putting my heart back together,
'Cause I got over you.
Well I got over you.
I got over you.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Fuck you.

You were right, and so was everyone else.

I AM better than you.

I have resisted writing over the past few days because to do so would make all of this real. I still wake up every morning to reach for my phone and call him like I always did...and then the truth hits me again. I can't--I don't have that right anymore. My friends and family have been so supportive of me over the past few days, but I have really resisted losing it in front of them. Last night on the bus ride back from the competition, I was listening to my I-pod and one of our songs came up (it was on shuffle). I turned it off and shoved it back into my bag and I don't know what happened, but I lost it. I turned away to face the window and started bawling. I was trying to be quiet because I didn't want anyone to hear me, but I guess L did because she started rubbing my back. I composed myself and sat up for a little while, but it came back and I kind of just fell on her crying. I felt better knowing that I did not have to hide my tears from her. It was just intense. I'm getting to a point now where I can talk about it without tearing up too badly, but I am still just so unbelievably sad. This hurt is something that I could never wish on anyone.

Everyone keeps saying don't blame yourself, you can't blame yourself. Even he told me that. But I can't help it. The "what-ifs" start to creep in. If I had been a little bit better to him, would anything be different right now. We both made mistakes...and I want another chance to correct them. I've done so much thinking that I feel totally confident about what I need to do if we give it another go. I just have to wait for him to tell me what he really wants out of all of this, and the waiting is the hardest part.

It's over...

...and I have never felt so alone in my entire life.