I have resisted writing over the past few days because to do so would make all of this real. I still wake up every morning to reach for my phone and call him like I always did...and then the truth hits me again. I can't--I don't have that right anymore. My friends and family have been so supportive of me over the past few days, but I have really resisted losing it in front of them. Last night on the bus ride back from the competition, I was listening to my I-pod and one of our songs came up (it was on shuffle). I turned it off and shoved it back into my bag and I don't know what happened, but I lost it. I turned away to face the window and started bawling. I was trying to be quiet because I didn't want anyone to hear me, but I guess L did because she started rubbing my back. I composed myself and sat up for a little while, but it came back and I kind of just fell on her crying. I felt better knowing that I did not have to hide my tears from her. It was just intense. I'm getting to a point now where I can talk about it without tearing up too badly, but I am still just so unbelievably sad. This hurt is something that I could never wish on anyone.

Everyone keeps saying don't blame yourself, you can't blame yourself. Even he told me that. But I can't help it. The "what-ifs" start to creep in. If I had been a little bit better to him, would anything be different right now. We both made mistakes...and I want another chance to correct them. I've done so much thinking that I feel totally confident about what I need to do if we give it another go. I just have to wait for him to tell me what he really wants out of all of this, and the waiting is the hardest part.