There is still this part of me that thinks about you.

And you.

And you.

And you.

And you.

Stealthily sliding your way into dreams...and sometimes, nightmares.

When I wake up, I find that my hands have not been idle. One, laying across the pillow, as if it had been tracing your outline.

And one, stretched across the empty half of my bed.

Then, I roll over, go back to sleep, this machinelike routine doesn't keep me from moving during the day.

But the darkness swallows that confidence again. I remember telling someone that it's the nights that scare me the most.

Recluse

Yep. The loneliness is kicking in.

I am forcing myself to go out tonight to celebrate Halloween, even if I think it's a stupid holiday.

The Pros and the Cons

You know, it's funny. Living own my own for the past two months has taught me so much about myself and sitting in my apartment, alone, and ready to absolutely pass out at 10:30 at night has persuaded me to share them.

1) As much as I love my independence and not having to rely on others for personal satisfaction, it is becoming clear to me that I am not having nearly enough personal interaction with people outside of my job (students or coworkers).

2) On the flip side, my job is becoming more and more stressful the closer we get to the end of the first marking period, and my drive to be the best teacher I can be seems to be sapping all my energy--to the point where I'm simply too tired to drive anywhere to do anything.

3) I'm lonely. Everyone is putting their lives together this year, and a lot of times, people just don't have the time to listen, myself included. This profession is tough--especially when there are so few people out there that do it and would understand what I'm going through. I can see why people quit after the first few years. The amount of red tape and paperwork is enough to make most people head for the hills. I have to remember why I'm doing this--to change lives, to make an impact. I need to remember to keep the bureaucracy of it all in check so I don't wind up as another statistic (1 in 4 of all first year teachers will leave the profession within five years).

4) I have matured a lot more than expected since graduation. Going back to my old house off campus today showed me how distasteful the college lifestyle has become. It's a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there ever again.

5) If there's anything that moving out and on my own three short months after graduation has taught me, it's that I can do this. I can support myself when few seemed to think that I could so quickly. I beat the odds of the economic crisis and was one of the three lucky ones in our undergrad cohort of nine who found a job. So, if nothing else, I can beat this funk...even if I'm doing it on my own.

New Ideals?

Ever gotten the chance to live your dream? I mean, really live it.

I am finally self-sufficient, living on my own, paying (with my own money!) for the path I'm paving, and doing a job I've waited years to do.

And yet, I'm not as happy as I feel like I should be. In true haze fashion, I've thrown myself into my job instead of working through why that is...at the expense of personal time with friends and an empty kitchen pantry.

I swore to myself this would not happen again. After student teaching, I promised not to drown again. But it's happening. This can't be who I am.

Now, I'm off. Because I have to go do all that stuff I'm not supposed to. I'll have to figure it out on the weekends.

First Day of School

I feel like I'm starting high school all over again. This time, I'm not afraid of being shoved into a locker, getting lost and being late to class, or walking all over the school in an endless search for the swimming pool on the third floor.

No, my greatest fear right now is not being good enough.

Okay, I'm back.

Almost a month later. In a new apartment. Just dipping my toes into a new job. Knee-deep in another impossibly confusing "relationship." A good friend who just moved up north to follow her dreams. Spent four of the last six weeks on antibiotics. Round three now---for three weeks.

There is so much to say. So much to be afraid of. So much to be excited about.

Just...so. Much.

I will take this one day at a time. I will let myself process. I will grow. I will change. I will keep the stress level low, and the happiness high.

And most importantly, I will remember not to neglect this.

Changes, changes...

I move to my own apartment in a week and a half. I start my new career in less than a month.

My friends are starting grad school, and if they haven't left MD already, they will be soon.

I am as TERRIFIED as I am excited.

This is a strange case. I typically hate change, but I am so excited for what the future has to offer that I can't help but smile a little bit when I think about all the good things that are sure to be coming up for me and the people I care about.

I know that no matter what happens, the people we are supposed to love and keep talking to will always be there, regardless of where we all end up.