Sometimes I think it would all be easier if I just joined a convent.

On the other hand, I've never seen a nun with bangs....

Politically (un)Aware

I am making a point to learn more about politics. I am going down to VA on Saturday to campaign for Obama and while I believe whole-heartedly that he is what this country needs (and I am not just speaking as a Democrat here...), I am growing increasingly frustrated with the fact that I don't have the time to fully educate myself. I started yesterday by delving further into both candidates' platforms. It taught me one thing: I am definitely still a Democrat.

I need to be more well-rounded and politically savvy. There's so much bullshit being thrown around this year that I need to arm myself to wade through it all. The mess of commercials and smear ads...it's hard to tell what is the truth anymore.

The more I research, though, the more disenchanted I become with our whole political system. We are all really self-absorbed. Take this latest economic crisis...we sat back and let it all crumble until the personal risk was at a breaking point. NOW it's time to step in and do something? Right. Waiting was a smart choice.

I know this is uncharacteristic of me. But if I'm going to go on this journey of discovery, I feel obliged to take you all along with me.

Phone Calls

These words, so full of hope,
Yes, not even I could have seen this coming.
I hate your unresolved power,
But I love when you use it.
You are a perfect contradiction.

.....He called and texted more than I've told people. The truth is, I was scared to see that he actually might have cared. He is supposed to be off-limits. A bad boy.

And I'd forgotten. He said he was afraid for me to meet his friends. He said I would look down on him.

I hate pedestals. I hate being an angel. I hate that our images of one another are really the only thing that has ever held us back.

We got our palms read together once. I want that fortune teller to have been right. He told me that this bad-ass has secrets, that he's too scared to tell me how he really feels. That he cares but has trouble showing it.

Only his trouble was four months of "silence", while I wasted away after having settled again.

He tried. I ran. I lied.

Friday Five: "Happiness"

What did you want to be when you were a kid?
I had a lot of strange dreams. Everything from an astronomer to a nurse or a country music singer. I finally settled on my current career path sometime in high school. I just had to realize where my true strengths lie.

What is your proudest accomplishment so far?
I'm not sure. I try to avoid pride, because I think it can lead to selfishness. I guess I feel the most proud when I stick up for myself. I am always working to be "better," so I can't pinpoint one specific moment.

What is your dream job?
English teacher. Duh. I couldn't ask for a more rewarding and challenging career path for myself. I think it suits my personality perfectly.

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
Hopefully with a happy family. Living on the water somewhere...with a boat! And a dog! I'm not going to lie...I may have white picket fence aspirations. Don't judge me.

What does it take to make you happy?
Not a whole lot. Just some good friends and good conversation. I'm fairly easy to please!

maybe just that P.M.S.

I just don't want to feel empty anymore. I'm not sure what's missing.

My senior year is supposed to be amazing. Instead, I have suffered setback after setback.

My squad is down to three. I can't help but blame myself...and now I doubt any of them will be interested in doing winter guard. Apparently, you CAN push them too hard.

My first teaching experience alone was nothing short of a disaster. I was supposed to fill in for two periods so that my mentor teacher could leave early. The sub left halfway through my last period...and the kids were absolutely hellish. They pushed me to the edge and I completely lost my composure. Hard not to feel like a failure, even if it was only my third time in the classroom. I guess most of all, I hate to admit that 29 twelve year olds beat me.

Two of my close friends seem completely disinterested in my life. I can call, but I can tell they don't care anymore. I am hurting because I know that if they called me, even now, I would still do anything and everything for them.

It was a year ago on Saturday. And while I am happy to say that he barely crossed my mind, I am disappointed. I do not feel like I met the goals I set for myself to have met when this time came. And yes, I am absolutely placing too much bearing on being in a relationship (hence my string of failed ones). It is just so hard to see life working out for him, while I can't seem to get it together.

I don't have time to do the things I love. But I'm too proud to give up any of the things I am doing.

I have to be optimistic. The pendulum will swing back up. I'll come back and read this and laugh at how forlorn I was over nothing. yes, that's what will happen. It has to.

I like lists a lot.

I would take the time to stop and give an actual life update, but I am afraid that I do not have the time.

I hope a list will suffice:

• Single again (no real options, but I'm excited to take a hiatus...for now)

• Starting to notice odd things about my male friends. Worried they may want to take things too far.
• Working four mornings a week, varying hours, colorguard twice a week, and teaching on Fridays. Hectic does not cover it.
• Loving life with my roommates. Feels good to surround myself with people who are so positive and supportive.
• My classes are tough. Lots of work, but I have friends in all of them. This will help immensely.
• Doubting my instructor abilities. Especially after I mentioned winter guard today and no one really seemed all that into it.
• Have to pack my lunch for tomorrow. Don't want to do it.
• Need to paint my nails. Also don't want to do it.
• Lost power to the house randomly this morning. Came back just before I had to straighten my hair. Karma. Much happiness.
• Redskins and Terps suck. Hoping they can pull it together.
• Wishing the campus had done something today for 9/11. Still feel like one of the few who is still affected by it all. Said a prayer this morning for the victims and their families.
• Trying to fight back pangs of loneliness. I just want to be in love again...but I have to remember to wait until it feels right. Not kind of right, but RIGHT.
  

These stupid games

I am so annoyed that someone from my past, someone that I wanted to let go, can jump back into my life (but only when he knows I'm single) and make me smile and laugh like nothing ever happened.

I think what annoys me even more is the fact that I am still here, talking to him. Maybe I'm curious. Maybe I really just want to call him out on his bullshit.

So, Mr. October '07. Game on.

Another break-up

I guess the important thing to remember is that I did what is best for me.

A True Fan

I just woke up an hour early for work so I could choose my fantasy football team.

Hell. yes.


I am all moved into my house, and loving it so far. LOVING IT.

...that's kind of the only thing I am sure of right now, though.