Friday Five (or...six, technically)

"With the following phrases, post a single image of the strongest thought/idea that pops into your head."
1.) Favorite Food:










2.) Least Favorite Food:











3.) Favorite Thing:
















4.) Least Favorite Thing:














5.) A phobia:












6.) An addiction:

Pure, utter, blissful exhaustion.

Spent 6.5 hours today at a job that I love, working with my favorite coworkers and the best managers anyone could ask for. But it gets better.

I approached guard rehearsal with some nervousness. I wanted more than three kids to show up. I had five, two rookies too. But it gets better.

I made them laugh. I made them sweat. I had to calm myself when I watched my newbs do what I'd taught them.

It hit me tonight while I was talking to them at the end. These are MY kids.

Liz, I get it now. I love this shit.

The Gavel

"You have some big shoes to fill."

I am aware. And I am also aware of the fact that I am young...so thanks for pointing that out. As if I'd never realized.

I never thought they would be THIS quick to judge. Already I feel like I have so much to prove, and I've only had one rehearsal!

Needless to say, I am overwhelmed at this point.

In other news, I've started writing for another blog, based on oneword.com. Check that out if you get a chance. I'll put the link up eventually, once things get going a little more with it. It's quick, and it keeps me writing on a daily basis...which is going to be good for my growth. Not to mention the caliber of writing that's already been done--I only hope mine can stack up.

It's strange how a post like this can make you realize new things. I am afraid of inadequacy, of not being good enough. I think it's also a blessing, though. The pressure to perform well is the type of challenge I need to actually follow through.

CI, VA

The water may have been too cold for swimming, and the breeze coming off the ocean may have kept us from laying out too long, but damn, if this weekend didn't bring some sunshine back into my life.

That warmth from an old friend who knew you back-when...back when, exactly? We were best friends for seven years before the high school cliches took hold of us. She knew me before I started living my life for everyone else.

Back when we would dance around her bedroom singing along to Shania Twain holding hairbrushes to our awkward, giggling, smiling mouths.
Back when we would have sleepovers every weekend, wake up in the morning to her dad's chocolate chip waffles, and then fall right back asleep.
Back when we could spout horse facts a million-miles-a-minute.
Back when the only thing that really mattered was that night's episode of Figure It Out.
Back before we found boys, before we started fighting with our parents, before we moved out on our own and had to get by in this life that doesn't always leave room for what-once-was...

but it felt great to get back to that place. Back when.

I am not supposed to be thinking about him right now.

Honesty (or, Inadvertent Punishment)

To think, today started and ended with a phone call...and some honesty. It is time for me to cut the bullshit. Looking over my posts from the past 8 or so months, it has become so obvious to me that my mind and my heart have been all over the place. I am painfully aware of the fact that I have been hiding what's really going on in my head, replacing thoughts that scare me with external situations that have not served me well.

Tonight, I stepped up after an early afternoon conversation that, well, knocked me down. A guy that I have known for a while through a mutual friend met up with me at the bar the other night. We had an awesome time together, to say the least, and we both found ourselves unable to get out of the other's head. The easy thing to do would be to use this clear-cut chemistry we have and try something. I pulled back instead, due in large part to his own confusion about where his feelings lie (and who they lie with).

What I have come to realize is that I have to figure out what this garbled mess of cliches and shattered fantasies in my head actually means. The past 8 months have been nothing short of tumultuous, and rather than taking the time to sort myself out, I hid behind friendships and relationships that were going nowhere, perhaps hoping ever-so-optimistically that someone could change my life FOR me.

It took a swift kick in the ass over a burrito to wake me up. So I cut some ties with him. For now. But I was surprised to hear his response....and even more surprised to believe him. I don't know what to think or how to feel, but it is nice to know that I am taking the time to figure it out. I'm not being given that time for reflection--for once, I am TAKING it. I have other posts on here that talk about doing something similar, but I couldn't follow through. I got too scared.

I can't be scared anymore. Fear is my problem. I have all of these personas that people have projected on me, especially during the time I've been in college. My biggest mistake to date has been trying to juggle all of them, being one type of person to some people, and someone completely different to others. I haven't been me, and very few people have seen every facet.

It sounds so teenager-ish and angsty...but it's true...I need to figure out who I am. And discovering what I want comes along with that.

"How are you feeling right now? Because you don't sound happy to me."
"Happy, no. Satisfied."

New chapter. Here we go.

When it rains...God, how it pours.

You know...

after a while, the "I'm not sure I'm looking for a girlfriend" line gets a little old.

Relapse...maybe?

I have had an intense past couple of weeks. The workload has been insane, but I can definitely see the light at the end of the tunnel. Come Saturday, I should be ready to celebrate the arrival of summer.

M (the boy I went out on a date with...) and I have been out three times now. He's off in LA for a training class to become a Sergeant, but won't be back until the first week of June. He is hard to read. It may be a product of the fact that he's been in Iraq for the last two and a half out of three years. I know that it can take time to "readjust." He's always excited to hang out, but I don't hear from him all that often. I took him to hang out with some friends of mine last night, and he just seemed out of his element. A mutual friend of ours took him outside, and proceeded to tell me today that he isn't right for me. I am sick of people trying to tell me what's best for me. She says he's a huge partier, that I'm not "wild" enough for him. I think he's changed from whatever high school image she has...I haven't really seen anything too out of the ordinary with that. I know that after things with C turned to shit, I told everyone that I wanted them to be honest with me...but when I think that I've stumbled upon a good thing, everyone is quick to step in and rain on my parade.

I get that they are trying to look out for me but at some point, I need to make my own mistakes. If he winds up being the guy everyone seems to think he is, fine. I can deal with that. But let me find out who he is on my own. My paranoia is beginning to kick in now, the defenses have been up for a couple of weeks now. It's amazing how easy it is for me to keep myself from conveying any sort of excitement, like I'm blocking myself from being happy. M brings me out of my shell, makes me laugh, makes me smile. Right now...that's what I need. Is that so wrong?

I am hoping that he calls me a few times while he's gone, though. Just so I know that I'm on his mind. Like I said, paranoia.

On the way home from L's house tonight, I was listening to my Ipod. Because I clearly can not end any day, no matter how awesome, on a good note, one of those "songs" came on. Lonestar's/Emerson Drive's "I'll Die Tryin'." It was one of those songs C found back in the day, and it just WORKED for us. I hadn't heard it since that night on the competition bus where I cracked in front of L. Let's just say I'm glad that I was almost home when it came on. I was actually able to listen to the whole thing, but the experience just reminded me that no matter how "okay" we think we are, there are always moments where an old trigger will set you off again. That song will probably always have that effect on me.

It wasn't sadness for C. Most of that is LONG gone. I just miss the feeling of being with someone who loves you so freaking much. I don't think A understands that it's not that I NEED a boyfriend...it's that I felt so complete when I had what I had. You can't possibly understand unless you've been there yourself...and once that sort of feeling is gone, you'll do whatever it takes to get it back. So yes, I have been dating more than she feels is necessary...but I'm looking for that magic, before it passes me by.

I want people to have faith in me and my judgment. If I saw anything questionable in M's behavior that would suggest I am not making good decisions, I would stop seeing him. Simple as that. The problem is that people are projecting my experiences with C onto me now, in the present. I'm a different person. Not everyone seems to realize that.

This is always such a stressful time of the year for me. I have a pile of papers to write, a presentation, and an exam to study for. I am glad to be living with the people I am living with, though. The past month or so has really brought three of us together...and I would not have made it thru the semester in one piece without them.

I am starting to see where the quality really lies. Some aren't making any sort of effort at all, some are always around, and some have screwed up but are doing everything they can to make it right. That last category has sort of surprised me. I guess the thought of me mattering that much to someone...them knowing that I'm angry and yet, they don't want to lose our friendship. It really just puts things into perspective.