Relapse...maybe?
I have had an intense past couple of weeks. The workload has been insane, but I can definitely see the light at the end of the tunnel. Come Saturday, I should be ready to celebrate the arrival of summer.
M (the boy I went out on a date with...) and I have been out three times now. He's off in LA for a training class to become a Sergeant, but won't be back until the first week of June. He is hard to read. It may be a product of the fact that he's been in Iraq for the last two and a half out of three years. I know that it can take time to "readjust." He's always excited to hang out, but I don't hear from him all that often. I took him to hang out with some friends of mine last night, and he just seemed out of his element. A mutual friend of ours took him outside, and proceeded to tell me today that he isn't right for me. I am sick of people trying to tell me what's best for me. She says he's a huge partier, that I'm not "wild" enough for him. I think he's changed from whatever high school image she has...I haven't really seen anything too out of the ordinary with that. I know that after things with C turned to shit, I told everyone that I wanted them to be honest with me...but when I think that I've stumbled upon a good thing, everyone is quick to step in and rain on my parade.
I get that they are trying to look out for me but at some point, I need to make my own mistakes. If he winds up being the guy everyone seems to think he is, fine. I can deal with that. But let me find out who he is on my own. My paranoia is beginning to kick in now, the defenses have been up for a couple of weeks now. It's amazing how easy it is for me to keep myself from conveying any sort of excitement, like I'm blocking myself from being happy. M brings me out of my shell, makes me laugh, makes me smile. Right now...that's what I need. Is that so wrong?
I am hoping that he calls me a few times while he's gone, though. Just so I know that I'm on his mind. Like I said, paranoia.
On the way home from L's house tonight, I was listening to my Ipod. Because I clearly can not end any day, no matter how awesome, on a good note, one of those "songs" came on. Lonestar's/Emerson Drive's "I'll Die Tryin'." It was one of those songs C found back in the day, and it just WORKED for us. I hadn't heard it since that night on the competition bus where I cracked in front of L. Let's just say I'm glad that I was almost home when it came on. I was actually able to listen to the whole thing, but the experience just reminded me that no matter how "okay" we think we are, there are always moments where an old trigger will set you off again. That song will probably always have that effect on me.
It wasn't sadness for C. Most of that is LONG gone. I just miss the feeling of being with someone who loves you so freaking much. I don't think A understands that it's not that I NEED a boyfriend...it's that I felt so complete when I had what I had. You can't possibly understand unless you've been there yourself...and once that sort of feeling is gone, you'll do whatever it takes to get it back. So yes, I have been dating more than she feels is necessary...but I'm looking for that magic, before it passes me by.
I want people to have faith in me and my judgment. If I saw anything questionable in M's behavior that would suggest I am not making good decisions, I would stop seeing him. Simple as that. The problem is that people are projecting my experiences with C onto me now, in the present. I'm a different person. Not everyone seems to realize that.
M (the boy I went out on a date with...) and I have been out three times now. He's off in LA for a training class to become a Sergeant, but won't be back until the first week of June. He is hard to read. It may be a product of the fact that he's been in Iraq for the last two and a half out of three years. I know that it can take time to "readjust." He's always excited to hang out, but I don't hear from him all that often. I took him to hang out with some friends of mine last night, and he just seemed out of his element. A mutual friend of ours took him outside, and proceeded to tell me today that he isn't right for me. I am sick of people trying to tell me what's best for me. She says he's a huge partier, that I'm not "wild" enough for him. I think he's changed from whatever high school image she has...I haven't really seen anything too out of the ordinary with that. I know that after things with C turned to shit, I told everyone that I wanted them to be honest with me...but when I think that I've stumbled upon a good thing, everyone is quick to step in and rain on my parade.
I get that they are trying to look out for me but at some point, I need to make my own mistakes. If he winds up being the guy everyone seems to think he is, fine. I can deal with that. But let me find out who he is on my own. My paranoia is beginning to kick in now, the defenses have been up for a couple of weeks now. It's amazing how easy it is for me to keep myself from conveying any sort of excitement, like I'm blocking myself from being happy. M brings me out of my shell, makes me laugh, makes me smile. Right now...that's what I need. Is that so wrong?
I am hoping that he calls me a few times while he's gone, though. Just so I know that I'm on his mind. Like I said, paranoia.
On the way home from L's house tonight, I was listening to my Ipod. Because I clearly can not end any day, no matter how awesome, on a good note, one of those "songs" came on. Lonestar's/Emerson Drive's "I'll Die Tryin'." It was one of those songs C found back in the day, and it just WORKED for us. I hadn't heard it since that night on the competition bus where I cracked in front of L. Let's just say I'm glad that I was almost home when it came on. I was actually able to listen to the whole thing, but the experience just reminded me that no matter how "okay" we think we are, there are always moments where an old trigger will set you off again. That song will probably always have that effect on me.
It wasn't sadness for C. Most of that is LONG gone. I just miss the feeling of being with someone who loves you so freaking much. I don't think A understands that it's not that I NEED a boyfriend...it's that I felt so complete when I had what I had. You can't possibly understand unless you've been there yourself...and once that sort of feeling is gone, you'll do whatever it takes to get it back. So yes, I have been dating more than she feels is necessary...but I'm looking for that magic, before it passes me by.
I want people to have faith in me and my judgment. If I saw anything questionable in M's behavior that would suggest I am not making good decisions, I would stop seeing him. Simple as that. The problem is that people are projecting my experiences with C onto me now, in the present. I'm a different person. Not everyone seems to realize that.
posted by haze at 10:50 PM
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