Brainflow. On.
My pulse quickens at the thought of getting it right this time. I have a lot of power now, because I am aware of what I want.
L pointed out something yesterday, though, that has stuck with me all day. I am the type of person that always seems to have a "prospect." There is always some guy who jumps into my life when I am at my loneliest. I don't want to be the type of girl that needs a guy to be happy. Scratch that, I don't think I am. I'm fairly happy now, and there is no leading man in my life. But who doesn't want to be in love? I'd be lying if I said that being single is where it's at for me. I like being in relationships. I always have. There's just something to be said for being able to share your life with someone else. There is no drink, no drug, no anything that can produce the same high for me.
I want the artistic, romantic, nice guy who will only be a jerk when he's flirting, who will call me just to talk about our days, who will take me places I have never been, who will cuddle up and watch a football game with me, who will love my friends, who will hold my hand (even if his friends are around), who will give me a hug just to let me know that he's there, who will appreciate what I write, what I love, what I value, who will be there the second I need him, who will let me take care of him when he's sick, who will cook with me, who will never let me win just because I'm a girl, who will show me how to conquer my fears, who will remember the days when I have a test and ask me how it went, who will go on walks with me, who will not be too afraid to meet my family, who will not pressure me, who will quote dumb movies with me and make everyone around us wonder who we are, who will challenge me to become a better person, who will sweep me off my feet.
Wow. When I look at my list, it seems impossible. Really, I just want someone who will want to be with me for the person that I am. I would do ALL of these things for him in a heartbeat. It's just in my nature. I am guarded, though. I don't want repeats of what I have been through over the past six and a half months...and I am scared that I will continue to misjudge until I give up completely. I am very scared of that.
Do I have crushes? Yes, secret ones. Well, maybe not so secret. I don't know. I try not to divulge anything until I gauge where they are. That's part of my problem: I won't put myself out there unless I think that I have a shot. I don't handle rejection well, which is unfortunate because really, that's all dating is. You keep rejecting and getting rejected until you meet the one person that meets that exhaustive list you have in your head and if they aren't quite everything, they're pretty damn near close.
Sigh.
L pointed out something yesterday, though, that has stuck with me all day. I am the type of person that always seems to have a "prospect." There is always some guy who jumps into my life when I am at my loneliest. I don't want to be the type of girl that needs a guy to be happy. Scratch that, I don't think I am. I'm fairly happy now, and there is no leading man in my life. But who doesn't want to be in love? I'd be lying if I said that being single is where it's at for me. I like being in relationships. I always have. There's just something to be said for being able to share your life with someone else. There is no drink, no drug, no anything that can produce the same high for me.
I want the artistic, romantic, nice guy who will only be a jerk when he's flirting, who will call me just to talk about our days, who will take me places I have never been, who will cuddle up and watch a football game with me, who will love my friends, who will hold my hand (even if his friends are around), who will give me a hug just to let me know that he's there, who will appreciate what I write, what I love, what I value, who will be there the second I need him, who will let me take care of him when he's sick, who will cook with me, who will never let me win just because I'm a girl, who will show me how to conquer my fears, who will remember the days when I have a test and ask me how it went, who will go on walks with me, who will not be too afraid to meet my family, who will not pressure me, who will quote dumb movies with me and make everyone around us wonder who we are, who will challenge me to become a better person, who will sweep me off my feet.
Wow. When I look at my list, it seems impossible. Really, I just want someone who will want to be with me for the person that I am. I would do ALL of these things for him in a heartbeat. It's just in my nature. I am guarded, though. I don't want repeats of what I have been through over the past six and a half months...and I am scared that I will continue to misjudge until I give up completely. I am very scared of that.
Do I have crushes? Yes, secret ones. Well, maybe not so secret. I don't know. I try not to divulge anything until I gauge where they are. That's part of my problem: I won't put myself out there unless I think that I have a shot. I don't handle rejection well, which is unfortunate because really, that's all dating is. You keep rejecting and getting rejected until you meet the one person that meets that exhaustive list you have in your head and if they aren't quite everything, they're pretty damn near close.
Sigh.
posted by haze at 6:02 PM
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