It's late. Don't hold this against me.
Why. the fuck. can't. I. just. be. happy?
From the outside looking in, I think I seem pretty put-together. I have a great boyfriend, a good family, a good job. I do well in school, I keep myself busy, I go out with friends when I can. And yet, it's never enough. There is something not sitting well, some itch stemming from deep inside me so that no matter what new tree I add into my life to scratch on, it's still there. I feel like life might be taunting me: "You are tough enough to make it through the tough shit, but once you get there I am going to make it hard for you to feel satisfied."
When does it end? When am I going to be allowed to sit back, smile, and feel like I have done something meaningful?
I try my hardest to be good to the people I care about. It's important to me--being a good friend. For all the "being there" I do for other people, there are a very select few who I feel can return the favor. The most natural response would be to trim the fat, to cut out the ones who aren't giving me anything back. But that's scary...I like to hide behind my wall of fair-weather friends sometimes. At least I can feel a little popular.
Maybe what I need is just some honesty. I've noticed something about people, the older we all get. We stop telling each other the nice things we feel inside. We get scared that our feelings won't be reciprocated, or that the moment we acknowledge how much someone means to us, we'll lose it somehow. I mean, isn't that the pattern? How many of us can say that we've held on to our friends with the same exact closeness that you once had?
Here's my problem: I refuse to let go. To the point where I get hurt and disillusioned. Moments like this. Moments like now.
From the outside looking in, I think I seem pretty put-together. I have a great boyfriend, a good family, a good job. I do well in school, I keep myself busy, I go out with friends when I can. And yet, it's never enough. There is something not sitting well, some itch stemming from deep inside me so that no matter what new tree I add into my life to scratch on, it's still there. I feel like life might be taunting me: "You are tough enough to make it through the tough shit, but once you get there I am going to make it hard for you to feel satisfied."
When does it end? When am I going to be allowed to sit back, smile, and feel like I have done something meaningful?
I try my hardest to be good to the people I care about. It's important to me--being a good friend. For all the "being there" I do for other people, there are a very select few who I feel can return the favor. The most natural response would be to trim the fat, to cut out the ones who aren't giving me anything back. But that's scary...I like to hide behind my wall of fair-weather friends sometimes. At least I can feel a little popular.
Maybe what I need is just some honesty. I've noticed something about people, the older we all get. We stop telling each other the nice things we feel inside. We get scared that our feelings won't be reciprocated, or that the moment we acknowledge how much someone means to us, we'll lose it somehow. I mean, isn't that the pattern? How many of us can say that we've held on to our friends with the same exact closeness that you once had?
Here's my problem: I refuse to let go. To the point where I get hurt and disillusioned. Moments like this. Moments like now.
posted by haze at 9:40 PM
2 Comments:
see sometimes i don't have to write these things down cuz it's enough to know someone else feels them....
btw, i always feel like i'm in equal friendships, there's a select few that I know I can count on 100%
As much as I loathe the word "nice", here is something nice I think about you....
I feel like I never get to see you and it makes me sad. I long for the days of napping on the band room floor in a twisted pile of arms and legs. Although I know we can't go back, I always look forward to returning to Maryland and telling you of my misadventures... because you are on of the few who truly understand how weird I am - and still put up with me.
You are my twin's twin and I love you for it.
xoxo~ the other twin
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