Beauty?

You would think that being swarmed by a pack of drunk guys after last call, all asking for my number, would be enough to make me actually think I was attractive.

...it wasn't. Why the hell can't I just appreciate myself for the person that I am? It's like I'm waiting for Prince Charming to swoop in and tell me the same damn things those drunk guys were saying. I wonder, though. Would I believe it then?

The whole experience just left me feeling totally freaked out. I'm not sure what I would have done if I hadn't spent the whole drive home talking to L. At least she was there to diffuse the situation for me. I felt like I had been initiated into some grown-up world where people 5 or 6 years your elder come up and talk to you. I don't want to sound completely ignorant, but I guess I just had never given the adult bar scene that much thought. At least in my college town, I know that the people there are around my age, and I'm totally okay with that!

I feel like a total nerd for being so weirded out...but when you go your entire life not really believing that you LOOKED like anything special...well, hearing it from so many people all at once? Yeah, it was too much.

I've always been the nerdy, quiet girl in the back of the classroom who dated people who were always my friends first. I think I took some solace in the fact that they had already judged me, and I assumed that they wouldn't actually be with me if they didn't want to be. In middle school, I remember being the girl that the boys would use as an example for someone they didn't want to "like."

"You like L H!" "Ew, no way!" And yes, I was always right there when it went down. So I guess I don't have much of a foundation to build off of in the first place.

I've just never felt pretty or hot or attractive or any of those things that apparently other people see in me. I don't know how to fix it so that I feel okay in my own skin. And I hate that I'm so insecure because I KNOW I'm being dumb. It's always been a problem for me in relationships too. I go out with the guy somewhere and I see someone that I'm sure looks better than me and I just feel so...inadequate. My poopiness ruins the date...and tends to ruin the relationship too.

Am I destined to never feel good enough? Is there a way out of here that maybe I'm just not seeing? Apparently, I've been blind to quite a lot these days.