Honesty (or, Inadvertent Punishment)
To think, today started and ended with a phone call...and some honesty. It is time for me to cut the bullshit. Looking over my posts from the past 8 or so months, it has become so obvious to me that my mind and my heart have been all over the place. I am painfully aware of the fact that I have been hiding what's really going on in my head, replacing thoughts that scare me with external situations that have not served me well.
Tonight, I stepped up after an early afternoon conversation that, well, knocked me down. A guy that I have known for a while through a mutual friend met up with me at the bar the other night. We had an awesome time together, to say the least, and we both found ourselves unable to get out of the other's head. The easy thing to do would be to use this clear-cut chemistry we have and try something. I pulled back instead, due in large part to his own confusion about where his feelings lie (and who they lie with).
What I have come to realize is that I have to figure out what this garbled mess of cliches and shattered fantasies in my head actually means. The past 8 months have been nothing short of tumultuous, and rather than taking the time to sort myself out, I hid behind friendships and relationships that were going nowhere, perhaps hoping ever-so-optimistically that someone could change my life FOR me.
It took a swift kick in the ass over a burrito to wake me up. So I cut some ties with him. For now. But I was surprised to hear his response....and even more surprised to believe him. I don't know what to think or how to feel, but it is nice to know that I am taking the time to figure it out. I'm not being given that time for reflection--for once, I am TAKING it. I have other posts on here that talk about doing something similar, but I couldn't follow through. I got too scared.
I can't be scared anymore. Fear is my problem. I have all of these personas that people have projected on me, especially during the time I've been in college. My biggest mistake to date has been trying to juggle all of them, being one type of person to some people, and someone completely different to others. I haven't been me, and very few people have seen every facet.
It sounds so teenager-ish and angsty...but it's true...I need to figure out who I am. And discovering what I want comes along with that.
"How are you feeling right now? Because you don't sound happy to me."
"Happy, no. Satisfied."
New chapter. Here we go.
Tonight, I stepped up after an early afternoon conversation that, well, knocked me down. A guy that I have known for a while through a mutual friend met up with me at the bar the other night. We had an awesome time together, to say the least, and we both found ourselves unable to get out of the other's head. The easy thing to do would be to use this clear-cut chemistry we have and try something. I pulled back instead, due in large part to his own confusion about where his feelings lie (and who they lie with).
What I have come to realize is that I have to figure out what this garbled mess of cliches and shattered fantasies in my head actually means. The past 8 months have been nothing short of tumultuous, and rather than taking the time to sort myself out, I hid behind friendships and relationships that were going nowhere, perhaps hoping ever-so-optimistically that someone could change my life FOR me.
It took a swift kick in the ass over a burrito to wake me up. So I cut some ties with him. For now. But I was surprised to hear his response....and even more surprised to believe him. I don't know what to think or how to feel, but it is nice to know that I am taking the time to figure it out. I'm not being given that time for reflection--for once, I am TAKING it. I have other posts on here that talk about doing something similar, but I couldn't follow through. I got too scared.
I can't be scared anymore. Fear is my problem. I have all of these personas that people have projected on me, especially during the time I've been in college. My biggest mistake to date has been trying to juggle all of them, being one type of person to some people, and someone completely different to others. I haven't been me, and very few people have seen every facet.
It sounds so teenager-ish and angsty...but it's true...I need to figure out who I am. And discovering what I want comes along with that.
"How are you feeling right now? Because you don't sound happy to me."
"Happy, no. Satisfied."
New chapter. Here we go.
posted by haze at 9:17 PM
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