I am in a funk. I feel restless, lonely, futile. This has nothing to do with a lack of "boy"...but a lack of much of anyone. There a few who (thankfully!) are sticking with me right now, which I appreciate more than they realize but I need something unexpectedly awesome to happen to me.

The major problem is that I don't have time to do something that makes me feel good about myself. Okay haze, so MAKE time. Pfft. That would require me to desert something else, the lack of which would make me feel even worse about myself. So that's lose-lose.

I am sending up a plea to karma. If I work really hard and keep trying to be a good person, can you please hit me back with some of your good favor, beyond the things that I see coming? Because those moments don't seem to matter that much to me right now.

I want my relationship with my roommates to not be awkward anymore. I want my close friends to call me to check in, not the other way around. I want to be invited to things, even if I can't go, just to see that someone thought of me.

I am asking too much. I am too busy to be available enough to anyone so they'll want to be available to me.

I'm being melodramatic, stupid, and I'm wallowing. But can a gal please get SOMETHING here??

The Little Guard That Could

I know, I promised an update like this a LONG time ago. With the end of the season just a week and a half away, it seems like this is way overdue.

I'm very torn about how this season went with my kids, my first instructing alone, my first without L, and my first without the kids I'd spent four years after high school getting to know at QO.

Our final product...I think it's okay. My first goal was just to prove to myself and to everyone else that I could do it. I did that in spades. I know I'm capable, but my goal seemed too small about halfway through the season. I am afraid that by then, just being good had already been instilled into my girls' heads. They resisted my pushing them to be great.

They hate rehearsing, they hate cleaning, they hate being outside, they seem to hate everything that requires any kind of hustle or extensive physical skill. And yet, they keep coming back. I can't figure out why, other than that magical thing known as the color guard friendship. I don't think I did a good enough job getting them to bond with me this year...so I really can't take any credit for the fact that they keep showing up.

But to focus on the positives: Our first competition so far, we got a 15...which is a pretty decent score for a rookie instructor. It certainly wasn't their best showing, I've seen much better at most of their rehearsals. I made changes as per the judges request (well, what I could reasonably do without bogging them down further...), but my corrections feel next to worthless because a) we have no competition in our group this weekend and b) we are only doing two competitions to begin with. But I feel like we can (sorta) hang with the big dogs...we were VERY close in guard score to a lot of other very established programs.

Another landmark we hit, reclaiming our title in our town's parade. Not such a big deal to many of you, but when you are competing against two rival high schools with MUCH bigger bands, it's nice to have the trophy back. I can't help but take a lot of credit for that because no other guard did what we did in front of the judges stand. Winning "Best Costume" for the entire parade ain't too shabby either (kudos to L for that...!)

My goal for this weekend is to get the kids over the 16 hump, which felt so good when I was in high school. Lots of cleaning is in store over the next few days, and for once, I'm really happy that we have a home game on Friday to make sure they're ready. My other goal is for them to meet and see the other MoCo programs I have ties too (QO and NW to be specific). I just want my kids to see that they can do what any other guard out there does if they'd put in the effort.

Despite having lost two members, and almost losing another to surgery (I had to add her into the rest of the show a little over three weeks ago), we've stayed resilient. I am so proud of them for that, for their flexibility while all this chaos, completely out of our control, is going on. My cute little pet name for them in the heading couldn't be more true. With no members, and no money, we somehow managed to throw something together that is pretty decent. I just wish my kids wouldn't be so satisfied with "average."

With winterguard looming, I know what I need to do: build better relationships with my students so they'll want to work harder for me. I think that will make the difference.

Here it comes again.

Hope.

Fuck.

Dream State

I guess I never thought about reality like this before. This whole concept of blogging to capture what is (or maybe isn't) true about ourselves. It's like having a dream and then trying to explain it to an outsider. You can tell the story, but they can't live it. They weren't there. Our experiences are the only things we really own, the only things that truly belong to us.

I'm not doing this so that people who read this will understand me better. It's an impossibility. I really am doing this for me. If you happen to be touched somehow, or see yourself in something I've said, I am grateful. I like it when my personal matters seem to coincide so closely with someone else's...but it's only that, coincidence.

I worry myself sometimes. I am afraid that my new "insight" just makes me come off as more isolated.

Friday Five: "Important stuff."

What is the most important thing by your side right now?

My I-pod. Left side.

Why is it so important?

Music is incredibly important to me. My life is chaotic, but my songs are always there, always the same, always with the same comforting words. Strange that a little rectangular computer with the click-wheel is one of the only things that stays consistent in my life.

Can you live without it?

As long as the songs stay backed up on my computer...yes. I feel like I would lose a huge part of myself if my music was gone. I also think I'd lose a lot of memories...because I tend to attach songs to important moments and people.

What is the one thing you can't live without?

Any of my journals. I still have ones from elementary school. There's something really cool about flipping back through your life, the pages faded and torn in some places. A page missing here or there because you got scared someone would find out your deepest secrets. When my fingers trace back across whatever I happened to scrawl in that day, I go back to that moment. I don't think you can move forward in life if you can't go back and relive what's already passed you. I'd feel stagnant without my journals.

Who is the one person you can't live without?

I try really hard not to let myself get that attached to people. I fear loss. The few that have etched themselves that far in my heart...they know who they are, and I don't need to say it.

L.O.S.E.R.

I just spent two hours in my house (at a party mind you) SURROUNDED by hot guys...

...I didn't talk to any of them.

*hangs head in shame*

My color guard did an excellent job tonight, however. More on that tomorrow. Now, I am taking my lame ass to bed. Alone.

Take your joint...and shove it!

Dear art-fart male English majors,

Your lip ring does not make you avant garde. Neither does your pot-smoking philosophizing. Brush your hair, throw out your flannel, and put your Kerouac back in your backpack. While I admire your attempts to dethrone the Romantic era in favor of postmodern drug-addled musings of hippie poets, you come across as a shallow-minded idiot bent on showing the world just how much of an art-eest you truly are. I respect artists who retain some level of humility. But when you call an entire class GLIB (especially after I just brandished my own little gem of genius...[sarcasm]), you've entered the realm of the cocky bastard. And congrats. In doing so, you've actually embraced the manhood you've been trying to rid yourself of.

This is for you asshole. I've got Ken Kesey in one hand, and Wordsworth in the other. Suck 'em.

With love,
haze