Today has been one of those days that I would LOVE to take back.

Christmas Thoughts

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. -John 3:16

This Christmas, I'm trying hard not to lose sight of what it's really about. Sure I'm excited about getting presents, even more so about giving them. But the real gift was given to us a long time ago. The moments are few and far between where I will reveal my religious beliefs to anyone. And yet, something about this time of year sort of brings it out.

No, I didn't go to my church's Christmas Eve service this year. No, I don't pray every night when I go to sleep. No, I don't confess all of my misdeeds.

But I still feel like He's with me, despite all of that. Even when I question what I believe, I never really feel empty. So tonight, I'll read the Nativity story all over again, like I do every year. And then I'll think about the million ways I've been blessed. And then I'll pray: for my friends who are sick, for the ones that are struggling with any sort of loss, even for the ones that are happy-so they'll stay that way. And I'll pray for guidance in my own life, because even the most independent of us need to look up sometimes.

Perhaps at some point this new year, I'll be able to forgive.

My eyes are to You...

There are times when I'm afraid that I expect a little too much of myself.

I set the bar high. I don't see any other way to live life. Why go through it haphazardly with no passion, no emotion, not caring where you end up or why you're there? No. Not me. I want to move full speed ahead, all systems go 100% all the time.

I don't know, maybe that's something to be admired.

It just feels awful when I slip and knock the bar over. I have to work on keeping it there.

Cue the music...

...of the hallejuah chorus. I am, as of today, officially finished with my third semester of college and my first at UMD. And as per usual, why not take advantage of my newfound free time to post a bit on how things went?

I'm not sure what I was thinking I could handle when I signed up for classes over the summer. The past few months have been, by far, the academically toughest of my entire school career. It is rare that I have to worry about my grades as much as I did this time around...but I think more than that, I put too much pressure on myself to prove that I can succeed anywhere. Despite the insanity of it all, I should come away with decent grades. My goal for next semester is to not stress out so much about my performance, and focus more on the things that really matter-like enjoying the whole college experience. There's nothing else like it, and I haven't taken advantage of this lifestyle very much over the fall.

So. New school. I'm glad I transferred. I have a lot more opportunities here. People are just as nice, but everyone seems to care so much more about the campus and what happens to it. There was a life, a vibrancy here that I could taste even on my very first day. I loved it, and I wanted more. I wish I had been able to get a little bit more involved on campus, but my commute and my workload prevented me from getting up to campus outside of time that I was in class. Hopefully, I can actually join some things and get involved in the spring when I'll have housing. Other regrets? Well there aren't many that I can think of. Maybe not being able to get up to QO as much as I would have liked. I missed out on a lot of their triumphs this season, things I would have loved to share with them, but (regardless) I am proud of how things went.

Exams were stressful...after my last one today, I walked really slowly back to my parking lot. I watched people packing their lives away in their cars, and I sort of felt sad. My routine will be broken for a month, so will theirs. I hope everyone makes the most out of their breaks. It will be strange to not have to worry about homework or where my classes are or what student life is like. Next semester, I'll be more like one of the veterans...and hopefully I won't feel so seperated from the rest of the student body.

But all in all, I'm happy with where I'm at and how things went. I can't really complain.

I had a dream that I was trying to pick out some candy at CVS, but I couldn't make up my mind. I finally settled on a roll of Spree and some Chewy Runts.

Does that make me weird?

It all comes back to...

guard.

It may come in and out of my life at various points during the year, but it never completely leaves me. Colorguard is part of who I am now, so imbedded that I don't think I can live a truly happy life without it there. Tonight reminded me of that, so thanks to everyone that was there a million times over.

Which got me to thinking...life really is just one big colorguard show. Brace yourselves, this is a really cracked out metaphor (and you're damn right I'm a nerd...so I don't want to hear it!):

Rifle: These are the hard times. You don't feel like you can get through at first, it seems so intimidating. But with some practice, you understand it and it works for you. When it clicks, it means the world.

Flag: The moments we take for granted. Sometimes you forget how much skill it takes to live in between the really good and the really bad times. So you take it all for granted, shift into autopilot, go through the motions, it's all stuff you've done before. But suddenly you set it down for just a second, and you realize how much it all really means to you.

Dance: Complete happiness. There's nothing to hide behind, can't disguise yourself behind the mundane and the awful. It's just you and the world that watches you. You get filled with such joy that you just want to MOVE.

And when it all comes together, and it works? Magic, pure and simple magic.

Yes, it's true. Guard is life.

I like the things we're saying now.

Words. Full of hope, promise, life, happiness.

I can really get used to this sort of thing.