Completely senseless. It's the only way that I can describe what happened yesterday. I'm not expecting my words to come out clean and tight right now...I need to get some things off my chest about everything, and I don't really care how it sounds.
I got back a few hours ago from a candlelight vigil in honor of VA Tech. It was one of the most intense experiences of my life. There was nothing especially strange or out of the ordinary...this vigil was no doubt very similar to so many that were held tonight across the country. I've been to quite a few now- for 9/11, the sniper. This one felt different. I was standing outside in the freezing cold, cradling a candle to my chest to protect it from the winds that were whipping and swirling through the crowd...but I didn't feel any of that. The weather didn't matter. It was so warm.
I got chills. To see so many people united by fear, concern, regret, sympathy...I felt like I was part of something amazing. It hit me then that we only come together like this when something utterly tragic happens...and that in and of itself might be even sadder.
I feel as though the past few days have challenged me and challenged my faith. I have felt compelled to pray at every moment of silence I've observed, at night before I fall asleep, and when I find myself in the middle of a quiet moment. I can't help but question how much good it's doing. There are plenty of people out there who pray more than me, who believe more than I do, that could be making a bigger difference than any set of thoughtful words I could ever come up with. But still, I'd like to think I'm making a difference, no matter how small.
I was a little shocked by how many people weren't actually praying when the ministers were up at the podium speaking. They were looking around at each other, relighting their candles that the wind blew out, adjusting their hair and their hoodies. I wonder...has it really come down to this? Do people my age really not care anymore about religion? It makes me feel less obscure and "out there" to think that my small shards of belief are momentous when compared to some people.
Which brings me to something else that has bothered me lately. That is, the fact that this whole event seems not to have
bothered some people at all. I couldn't get it off my mind today...my focus and attention in class was down in Blacksburg. I can't really explain why this whole thing has affected me the way that it has, and why others got through the day business-as-usual. Maybe they're hurting too, and just don't wa
nt to show it...but I feel like if we could all be a little emotional right now, we'd be better off somehow.
I guess it's all a product of our day and age. How fucking cliche. These acts of violence are so entrenched in our day-to-day experiences that some people seem able to just shrug it off and act like nothing happened. Instead, we're descending down a frightening road...if no one seems to care, nothing can change. Nothing is going to change.
And that's the worst part of it.
God bless Virgina Tech.
