I usually only write when I'm sad. I guess it's a good sign, then, that I really don't have much to say today. Every day, I feel a little better.

I went to the gym with my roommates for the first time today. I feel as though part of my transformation into a new, better person involves changing how I look on the outside too. I need to be happy with myself, all aspects of myself, before I am ready to share what's good about me with someone else. I am getting close.

I can't even begin to say how amazing my friends have been this semester. All of them. I never realized how good they were to me until I needed them most. A few in particular have really come forward and helped me through arguably the toughest four months of my life. They are true inspirations to me, and I hope that I can be the type of friend to them that they have been to me.

I need to stop wasting my time with backstabbing pricks. M turned out to be just like the rest of them- dishonest, immature, and only interested in playing the game.

Well I don't want games. I want something real. And I'm not going to settle until I find that. You would think it would be easy to find nice guys who genuinely care...but I haven't met one like that in a LONG time.

Fuck the male species. Seriously.

Maybe part of my problem is just that I am hoping for too much. I always seek out the good in people, even when there isn't that much there to see.

I miss nights of just being held, cradled and told quietly that things will be okay. That security is rare in this world, even between the bestest of friends.

What I'm looking for now is someone who puts me in that moment again. Definitively. When I know, for sure, that I'm going to be alright.

I have moved on with my life, and I can say I'm generally pretty happy with myself. But still, there is always this nagging fear in my head wondering if that's enough.

Apparently, age ISN'T everything.

Dear society-at-large,

Grow the fuck up.

With love,
haze

Fighting the Good Fight

Today was rough for me. I spent time at the middle school I've been observing in with a 7th grade English class (on-level). I witnessed the teacher, on at least three occasions, insulting the intelligence of these kids. I was heartbroken on the drive up to QO after school let out. Sure, they may not be the most driven students in the school, but on-level students are NOT dumb. They need more structure and direction. They need someone to believe in them, someone to teach them good academic skills. It's a reoccurring trend in this school. "We can't take them to the computer lab because they misbehave." Result? None of them know how to write with a word processor, and are missing out on the fullness of an education that is rooted in multi-literacies.

Too many people are defining intelligence based on test scores. How can a number possibly give any idea of how smart you are? I am afraid that once I find myself in the classroom, I will warp into the type of teacher who treats her on-level students like crap. The hippies say fight the man. Looks like I'll be trying to do the same in the coming years.

Thank God for rehearsal though. Guard is always such a bright spot. One of the few left.

Maybe you can relate. Maybe not. Either way, I'm saying it.

Ever get that sinking feeling in your stomach, the kind where you go into panic mode because you feel as though you SHOULD be happy but aren't? I have everything. Great friends and mentors, a good family. But it's not enough for me right now. How can I plug up a hole in my life when I don't even know where it is?

Maybe this is the moment after a break-up where the fear finally sets in. The fear that what you had was it for you. That you will continue to wake up day after day after day with that lump in your throat, the one that reminds you how far you've fallen.

It's an irrational thought, I know. "But you'll find someone better." What if I don't?

It's not that I don't want M, it's that I'm too scared to do anything about it.

Two islands.
Pain. Strength.
Can you see me there?
D r i f t i n g, crashing with the tides.
Oscillating. Deliberating. Lost.

Compass broken. Only place to look is up.
No sun. No moon. Just gray.
The gray of clouded conceptions and disorder.

Paddle forward.
Paddle backwards.
Does it matter where I'm going?
No.
As long as I'm moving.

Keep going,
Because to stop is to lose control,
To. stop. is to sink.

What I Still Miss

Our story. The one that started after our first date, when I'd tell everyone how I just KNEW this was it.

And having a best friend that I could share everything with. Sometimes I still catch myself reaching for my phone to call, even though I finally mustered up the strength to take your number out of it.

But strangely enough, that's it. I don't long for your love or approval anymore. I am enjoying my life with the people who mean the most to me.

And I WILL get better, and I WILL be okay, and I WILL find someone greater. I am looking forward to meeting someone who will mean MORE.