CaSe ClOsEd

That trip validated everything. I don't belong there, my place is here, where I am right now. I was right to leave. There is no way that I could still be happy had I stayed there another year. The people that I knew aren't the same people that were down there this time. Everyone had changed a lot more than I expected, and I think even they were surprised by how different it all was too. Sort of like I was some sort of mirror that reflected back the people they'd become, and the person that I am.

Tomorrow Night...

...I'll be confronting my past. I'm going back down to the school I transferred from last year to visit my friends. My best friend down there, I haven't seen her in six months. SIX!! Honestly, I'm not sure what to expect for myself. I know it will be strange being back on the campus after so long, but at the same time, it will probably feel quite familiar and comfortable. Seeing my friends might be awkward. A lot has changed and a lot of life has been lived since we last hung out together. I'm hoping for a fun night that will solidify any lingering doubts in my mind about whether or not I made the right decision to transfer. I'm sure that even spending just one night down there will get everything clear in my head. I want to see how people have grown since I left, and reconnect with the people that helped make last year so special for me. I'm excited. I'm scared.

Happy Birthday to me.

Turning 19.

Most boring age ever.

DON'T

It always amazes me how something I wrote a long time ago still resonates with my life now. I'm not sure how long ago this one was written, I randomly found it amidst the flurry of documents on my computer. The emotion in it isn't quite so harsh today, but I still think it reflects how I feel sometimes:

Don't. Don't put me on a pedastal and expect me to stay there. I don't want to have to look down to see people. Don't ask me to do the things that you are too scared to conquer on your own. Your inability to be independent is not my problem. Don't try to flatter me because I won't believe what you tell me. Don't call on me to be the strong one because sometimes, I can't stand on my own two feet. Don't expect me to be perfect. I try hard to please everyone, but I screw up- I should be allowed to. Don't pressure me to do the things that are going to hold me back. I refuse to be forced into situations that I am uncomfortable with. Don't feel like you can't approach me...really, I'm not all that bad.

Boxed Out

If I could find anything to complain about being an English/Secondary Ed double major, it'd be the constraint I feel when thinking about my impending course selections. I don't get room for electives, the remaining two and a half years I have left of college feel planned out already. I do love what I'm studying, but I would like to have a little more course variety. It's part of the reason why I transferred to begin with. At my advising meeting today, my advisor placed subsequent course selections into these neat little boxes and I realized just how little academic freedom I've been given. Part of me felt trapped looking at that paper, but another part of me got excited. Five more semesters. That's it. Time is flying by so quickly, it's so cliche, but you never believe it until you're there. And I am.