An Admission

I haven't been able to admit this to anyone.

I keep having dreams about my latest ex, Chris. In them, I am always in some kind of public place with my friends, usually a bar. He comes out of nowhere. We haven't spoken in months, and he's always home on leave from one of his travels for work. He pulls me aside, and he tells me that he wants me back. That I was the best thing that ever happened to him. That he loved me all along. That he was stupid to have let me go.

And always, I wake up with a racing heart, hoping it was the truth. When the real world hits again, I can't help but smile a little at my own idiocy.

The path to getting over someone you love is never easy...and I also know I have to tread cautiously. I've been out on four dates with someone else...and it's not fair that I want to be with him, and that I want to be with Chris too.

Until the dreams stop, it's only fair for me to stay right where I am.

Twenty-something Musings

Maybe it's just me getting older, and maybe some of you can relate...but lately I've been feeling a lot less like myself. It's like every person is getting just a small piece of me. I always pigeon-hole myself. To certain people, I'm the goofball; to others, the rock.

I slide into these roles effortlessly...like I am filling the gaps in each group I belong to.

It takes spending time with one of the few people who has seen all sides to realize what it is I've been doing. And just like every other time, I fall into a cyclical pattern of negative thought as I realize how many superficial relationships I have filled my life with.