I want to be 21 so I can fuckin' go out with my friends without relying on another people.
I want it to be summer so I can be excited about moving into the house.
I want people to cut the bullshit.
I want to meet the spectacular guy that everyone says I deserve.
I want to stop being frustrated about my life, and start making the changes to fix it.
I want to get off the roller coaster for a day or two, just to see what it's like to not worry about things.

Brainflow. On.

My pulse quickens at the thought of getting it right this time. I have a lot of power now, because I am aware of what I want.

L pointed out something yesterday, though, that has stuck with me all day. I am the type of person that always seems to have a "prospect." There is always some guy who jumps into my life when I am at my loneliest. I don't want to be the type of girl that needs a guy to be happy. Scratch that, I don't think I am. I'm fairly happy now, and there is no leading man in my life. But who doesn't want to be in love? I'd be lying if I said that being single is where it's at for me. I like being in relationships. I always have. There's just something to be said for being able to share your life with someone else. There is no drink, no drug, no anything that can produce the same high for me.

I want the artistic, romantic, nice guy who will only be a jerk when he's flirting, who will call me just to talk about our days, who will take me places I have never been, who will cuddle up and watch a football game with me, who will love my friends, who will hold my hand (even if his friends are around), who will give me a hug just to let me know that he's there, who will appreciate what I write, what I love, what I value, who will be there the second I need him, who will let me take care of him when he's sick, who will cook with me, who will never let me win just because I'm a girl, who will show me how to conquer my fears, who will remember the days when I have a test and ask me how it went, who will go on walks with me, who will not be too afraid to meet my family, who will not pressure me, who will quote dumb movies with me and make everyone around us wonder who we are, who will challenge me to become a better person, who will sweep me off my feet.

Wow. When I look at my list, it seems impossible. Really, I just want someone who will want to be with me for the person that I am. I would do ALL of these things for him in a heartbeat. It's just in my nature. I am guarded, though. I don't want repeats of what I have been through over the past six and a half months...and I am scared that I will continue to misjudge until I give up completely. I am very scared of that.

Do I have crushes? Yes, secret ones. Well, maybe not so secret. I don't know. I try not to divulge anything until I gauge where they are. That's part of my problem: I won't put myself out there unless I think that I have a shot. I don't handle rejection well, which is unfortunate because really, that's all dating is. You keep rejecting and getting rejected until you meet the one person that meets that exhaustive list you have in your head and if they aren't quite everything, they're pretty damn near close.

Sigh.

Dun Dun Dun...

He just doesn't seem excited to be around me anymore. Maybe another one bites the dust?

Who the hell do I think I am? I do NOT have it figured out. Not even close.

I think that trying to explain how badly I needed a day like yesterday would never do it justice. It's so easy to forget what laughter feels like, especially lately. I have been guarded, almost as if in hiding. There are a few people though, who can bring me back. I saw most of them yesterday. I feel re energized. I got the swift kick in the pants that I needed to remember what I've got and to be thankful for it. Fuck what happened to me 6 months ago. I have a lot of really good people in my life NOW. They are filling voids that I didn't even realize I had.

Patterns

Smile. frown.
Shed some tears for what's been lost,
But be grateful for what's been found.

Life is all about cycles. Our pain leads us to something or someone that will eventually take it all away. My problem is that sometimes I feel like it's my job to interfere and speed up the process for people I love. I want everyone and everything to be okay again. But I have to let the natural pattern take its course.

3-13-08

Yup, that's the date of three years. Or what WOULD have been three years.

I genuinely felt apathy after I realized this. I'll probably stop and think for a few minutes about things but really...tomorrow is nothing special.

It's late. Don't hold this against me.

Why. the fuck. can't. I. just. be. happy?

From the outside looking in, I think I seem pretty put-together. I have a great boyfriend, a good family, a good job. I do well in school, I keep myself busy, I go out with friends when I can. And yet, it's never enough. There is something not sitting well, some itch stemming from deep inside me so that no matter what new tree I add into my life to scratch on, it's still there. I feel like life might be taunting me: "You are tough enough to make it through the tough shit, but once you get there I am going to make it hard for you to feel satisfied."

When does it end? When am I going to be allowed to sit back, smile, and feel like I have done something meaningful?

I try my hardest to be good to the people I care about. It's important to me--being a good friend. For all the "being there" I do for other people, there are a very select few who I feel can return the favor. The most natural response would be to trim the fat, to cut out the ones who aren't giving me anything back. But that's scary...I like to hide behind my wall of fair-weather friends sometimes. At least I can feel a little popular.

Maybe what I need is just some honesty. I've noticed something about people, the older we all get. We stop telling each other the nice things we feel inside. We get scared that our feelings won't be reciprocated, or that the moment we acknowledge how much someone means to us, we'll lose it somehow. I mean, isn't that the pattern? How many of us can say that we've held on to our friends with the same exact closeness that you once had?

Here's my problem: I refuse to let go. To the point where I get hurt and disillusioned. Moments like this. Moments like now.