run haze run

I had a strange sort of out-of-body experience today. I was outside choreographing in my backyard when I felt this overwhelming urge to get away. Nothing prompted it. I just needed to get out.

So I went into my front yard, down the hill, across the street to the sidewalk. And I started running. Usually, the fear of screwing up my already bad knee keeps me from moving anywhere faster than the pace of a light jog. But this time, I just RAN. My feet hit the pavement, and rather than the jolt of pain that shoots up my leg and into my knee, I felt nothing. I measured out my breathing to match the pattern of my steps and after what was probably half a mile, I realized I didn't have any cramping. After that distance, I usually find myself wheezing and slowing down.

The houses and driveways started to blend together and I forgot about everything. The stress of student teaching, trying to hold this guard program together when I can feel myself losing heart in it, and the loss I still feel over my dog. Everything I want to say to people, but can't. It all just floated out of my mind. All that mattered was the next stride, the next breath, the next block. I made a circle, probably no more than a mile and a half, and made it back home.

I can tell you this: my body will regret this freedom tomorrow morning and even if I never find the energy to do this again, the bliss I felt when I wasn't worried about anything can't be matched.

It is back to the real world now...but if I can run that far after years of virtual inactivity, I can buckle down and take on the rest of this.