Pause.

Stop and smell the roses, coffee, odor of your choice.

Okay.

I can do this. Things are better, way better.

I stumbled across this and kinda liked it:

For most of life, nothing wonderful happens. If you don't enjoy getting up and working and finishing your work and sitting down to a meal with family or friends, then the chances are that you're not going to be very happy. If someone bases his happiness or unhappiness on major events like a great new job, huge amounts of money, a flawlessly happy marriage or a trip to Paris, that person isn't going to be happy much of the time. If, on the other hand, happiness depends on a good breakfast, flowers in the yard, a drink or a nap, then we are more likely to live with quite a bit of happiness.

-Andy Rooney

Think you know me?

So I realized something about myself today.

Ready?

...I'm a hypocrite. I talk a big game, I talk about myself like I'm the person I want to be rather than the person that I am.

All of this negative energy that's been floating around in my house has been partially my fault. I don't make any more of an effort than they do sometimes. I don't like change. I'd rather nestle into a comfort zone, pull up a chair, stay there a while. I tried it once, it backfired, my mind says don't bother. But I know that's wrong.

Putting myself out there is hard. I can do it in every other relationship I have with people, but not with my own family. I can chase down and strive for happiness in every other aspect of my life, but this.

And until I figure out why, I'm not convinced that I can do a whole lot about it.


But I still feel like I should focus on some positives...

School is going well, my professors tell me I'm a "strong writer with a confident voice." I can't say for sure how accurate that is for ALL of my writing, because all they get from me are the formulaic, bullshit essays that us English majors have to be so good at. Still, it gives me hope.

Chris and I are doing phenomenal. We're fighting less and less, I'm thankful that phase is winding down. He's kept me grounded and happy through a lot of the drama in my life, and I'm thankful that he's been there.

I can't stand the silence anymore. It's gotten so cold in here.

Reaching for a quiet solitude.
Hoping that maybe,
Just maybe,
I can finally feel at peace with everything.
So much has changed,
A few things haven't,
And part of me wonders if I can make the right choices.

I've stayed up pretty late the past few nights. I'm on of those people that can't actually fall asleep until my mind completely stops whirring. I have a lot of decisions to make about this summer and next year-the pros and cons keep me awake. And I'm not the type of person who can set anything aside and decide on it later...I need to know what's going to happen NOW.

I just don't have the time to make a good choice, and that's incredibly frusterating.

Just a quick veer off my creative path...

I have the chance to live my dream next year. An opportunity has presented itself to me that I really want to take. I have wanted this ever since I graduated from high school, maybe longer than that. Two summers now I've spent out in the heat, spinning and sweating, saying goodbye to any semblence of a social life come August, and it's all been so worth it. One winter, and another to come, I've spent expanding my ability and sharing what I know with those who have come after me. I've been flexing a new creative muscle and pushing myself to new challenges. Saying goodbye (more or less) whenever school starts is always so difficult-there are times when I feel like I can only be myself out there on the field. It's home, it's comfort. I miss the girls, the fun, the friends, the students, the other instructors, everything.

But I'm scared to say "yes, count me in, I'll do it." I never do anything half-heartedly. That's why I haven't been back as much this year as I would have liked...because I know I can't give it my all right now between school and work and my family's health. It isn't fair. And I'm terrified that if I commit, I won't be able to give it the attention that it deserves, no matter how much I might want it. I'm stretched so thinly as it is, can I add such a time-consuming dimension?

I'm even afraid to say what "it" is...maybe I'll jinx it or something.

Food for thought.

The sun. It almost made a halo around your head. I had to squint, but I couldn't look away. And you held me, and the moment felt so complete. I have smiled that smile so many times, but never before you. Never before us.

Sometimes I forget that I need to write.