Song of the moment:

"Feelings Show"- Colbie Caillat

He told me
He'd wait here patiently but
I wonder if he's kidding
Well maybe he could be serious now
Maybe not
Maybe not
Because'

Love is crazy
Pretty baby
Take it real slow
My feelings show
All you have to do
Is never ever let it go
My feelings show
And I want you to know
My feelings show

I'm sorry it's taking me so long
To find out what I'm feeling
I wonder if it will come to me
Maybe not
Maybe not
Because'

Love is crazy
Pretty baby
Take it real slow
My feelings show
All you have to do
Is never ever let it go
My feelings show
And I want you to know
My feelings show

How I want you to know

What I'm trying to say is that
I'm feeling a change and
I'll let it take all over
If you need time away
I won't ask you to stay
But I don't want to lose you

Love is crazy
Pretty baby
Take it real slow
My feelings show
All you have to do
Is never ever let it go
My feelings show
Love is crazy
Pretty baby
Take it real slow
My feelings show
All you have to do
Is never ever let it go
My feelings show
And I want you to know
My feelings show

Never ever let it go
My feelings show
Never ever let it go
My feelings show
Never ever let it go
My feelings show


What do I want to do about M?? Us being friends has allowed me to see his true self that he felt afraid to show when we had our little "thing" last month. And I love the person that he is now...and I'm wondering if it will lead to a better attempt. I rushed into assuming it wouldn't work out, but the more I talk to him and spend time with him (even just as friends), the more I'm thinking this could work out after all.

Thoughts welcome.

I passed by a group of four little kids running around a yard, throwing leaves into a big garbage bag that their mother was holding.

I smiled...

...and then I kicked around a big, round rock all the way back here.

And So She Ran...

Today my roommate M ran the Marine Corps Marathon. Scratch that. She didn't just run, she qualified for the Boston Marathon. For those who don't know, that race is like the Super Bowl for runners, and M proved that she could handle it. I was so inspired watching her. We traveled all over DC and Northern VA on the metro, lining up on the sides of highways with the hope of seeing her run by. We made t-shirts and a poster to show our support. I felt like I was out there with her, and seeing her face light up every time we screamed her name as she ran by made the early wakeup and groggy commute worth every second. Being part of so much happiness took my mind off of everything that has been going on with me. It was a welcome and much-needed escape. Today was not about me or my drama--it was about watching M perform. I am so proud of her. I hope she realizes how much seeing her conquer her own huge challenge has given me hope that I can do it too.

Yes, it's tacky to give the "follow your dreams, you can do it" idea here...because life rarely works out so neatly.

I'm more locked into my faith more than ever before. I have had a lot of near-misses and close-calls over the past month, things that I will not get into here. The ones who need to know, do know. But the one thing I kept going back to was prayer. Finally, I feel like things may start to work out after all.

I am not okay. And that scares the shit out of me.

One of those nights....

I have so much to say...I can't even keep up with my own thoughts at the moment.

I am starting to carve out my actual goals for when I am done with school. I talked to Liz about some of this today...but my the time I have spent in schools this semester has taught me how much is lacking in today's education system. Too many tests, not enough time. The teachers that I have worked with are crunched to teach the curriculum (which in today's world means teach to the test). Time and time again, I watch students disengage from instruction because they do not see the relevance of solving multiple choice questions in day-to-day life. To be frank, neither do I. We should be forging real-world connections with these kids. After all, isn't the overall goal of education to prepare students for the real world? What's real about of brief constructed responses and matching? I want to make kids see that learning can be fun on occasion. I want to teach on-level students the honors curriculum. With a little faith, I think they can handle more advanced instruction...it's stupid to place kids into categories that only look at academic intelligence, when so many more of our students bring so much more to the table. Perhaps I'm too passionate about this, maybe a little too idealistic, but I think we all secretly hope we can change the world somehow, right?

I am starting to piece together an idea of what I'm looking for in a guy. That DOES NOT mean that I'm ready to go out there and start searching...but it helps to have some standards. I had my physical fling, so I don't want just another hot guy. I want someone creative---but not to the point of being elitist, they should see art in everyday life. Someone who is competitive---who won't let me win just because I'm a girl. Someone sarcastic---but not to the point of being an ass. I like to be challenged to tease and make jokes and poke fun, but at the core...the guy has to genuinely be nice. Most of all I need someone who will talk to me, who is not afraid to meet and hang out with my friends, who understands that school is important to me, who gets that it's not all about sex--that emotional intimacy is really important too.

I feel like I am getting way ahead of myself by even posting this. I don't know, there is something liberating about saying THIS is what I want. I don't say that nearly enough.

I need to start living for me.

Things with me and M fizzled out. Mutual decision to enjoy the single life. Not hung up on it. Feels right somehow. Still like the guy a lot, but we probably aren't right for each other right now.

It was a month ago yesterday. I wish it didn't still hurt.

Not a Cry for Help...

...but merely a reminder to myself that I need to get my act together. I have spent the past two weekends trying to party my cares away...and it has led me down some stupid roads accompanied by equally stupid decisions. School is getting hard, and I am beginning to worry about my health. I am ALWAYS tired. No matter how much sleep I get at night, I find myself needing to take a nap during the day just so I can get through all my school work. I have been dating someone new, and he is wonderful...but I can't help wondering if I have the time to be with someone right now. I know that these are issues that will iron themselves out soon...everything is just too new right now for me to be sure of anything.

I saw C at the football game on Saturday, but didn't have the strength to go down and say hi (even though a huge part of me wanted to). I didn't want him to see me with M, or vice versa. I don't want drama. I don't want confrontations. I don't want awkwardness. We spoke last week, and everyone has been telling me I have been so mature about it all, and such a big person. I just want him to be happy, even though I am still so angry.

My confidence has started to wane again, and I am afraid it will abate to a point that I do not want to be at. I expected this drop to start sooner, and I was flying pretty high for quite a while...I have tried to surround myself with friends to remind myself of the positives. It has helped, but only so much. I will have to figure out a way to get myself back on track. I just don't feel good enough for anything.

I feel a lot of other things are falling apart. Code Red is stressing me out. I want everyone to have a good experience with it, but it's hard when I am not allowing myself to manage the big picture. That was never my job, I didn't want it to be...but as time passes, I am finding more and more responsibility coming my way.

I haven't been able to go to guard rehearsals as much as I would like. I finally feel like I am part of the staff, but my schedule makes it so difficult to get up there. This season, I have been able to reconnect with my passion for guard. I have needed the rehearsals to take my mind off of the other things that I have been struggling with.

I don't want to burden people with my problems, because in the grand scheme of things they are utterly insignificant. There are a lot of bigger things that I could waste time worrying about. It seems to be a trend among me and a few others...just not talking about it. Healthy? No. Necessary at this point in time until we can find the words to express it all? Yes.

Once more this time. but with feeling.
Rattle, scoot, bump, quick run and hide in the dark.
Did they see? Did you? Did she?
Does he know? About anything,
Or is he pretending he doesn't care. Yes. I think.
I want him to feel. Something, mad? Sad? Hopeless?
Just not lost. Not again.
Someone has to believe me-
-that I know what I'm doing.
The scary part...that part,
Is that I want him to feel what I did. Twice. Worse.
The light comes at night, the shadows at dawn,
always chasing chasing chasing me
secrets, doubts, desire, thoughts.