Not a Cry for Help...
...but merely a reminder to myself that I need to get my act together. I have spent the past two weekends trying to party my cares away...and it has led me down some stupid roads accompanied by equally stupid decisions. School is getting hard, and I am beginning to worry about my health. I am ALWAYS tired. No matter how much sleep I get at night, I find myself needing to take a nap during the day just so I can get through all my school work. I have been dating someone new, and he is wonderful...but I can't help wondering if I have the time to be with someone right now. I know that these are issues that will iron themselves out soon...everything is just too new right now for me to be sure of anything.
I saw C at the football game on Saturday, but didn't have the strength to go down and say hi (even though a huge part of me wanted to). I didn't want him to see me with M, or vice versa. I don't want drama. I don't want confrontations. I don't want awkwardness. We spoke last week, and everyone has been telling me I have been so mature about it all, and such a big person. I just want him to be happy, even though I am still so angry.
My confidence has started to wane again, and I am afraid it will abate to a point that I do not want to be at. I expected this drop to start sooner, and I was flying pretty high for quite a while...I have tried to surround myself with friends to remind myself of the positives. It has helped, but only so much. I will have to figure out a way to get myself back on track. I just don't feel good enough for anything.
I feel a lot of other things are falling apart. Code Red is stressing me out. I want everyone to have a good experience with it, but it's hard when I am not allowing myself to manage the big picture. That was never my job, I didn't want it to be...but as time passes, I am finding more and more responsibility coming my way.
I haven't been able to go to guard rehearsals as much as I would like. I finally feel like I am part of the staff, but my schedule makes it so difficult to get up there. This season, I have been able to reconnect with my passion for guard. I have needed the rehearsals to take my mind off of the other things that I have been struggling with.
I don't want to burden people with my problems, because in the grand scheme of things they are utterly insignificant. There are a lot of bigger things that I could waste time worrying about. It seems to be a trend among me and a few others...just not talking about it. Healthy? No. Necessary at this point in time until we can find the words to express it all? Yes.
I saw C at the football game on Saturday, but didn't have the strength to go down and say hi (even though a huge part of me wanted to). I didn't want him to see me with M, or vice versa. I don't want drama. I don't want confrontations. I don't want awkwardness. We spoke last week, and everyone has been telling me I have been so mature about it all, and such a big person. I just want him to be happy, even though I am still so angry.
My confidence has started to wane again, and I am afraid it will abate to a point that I do not want to be at. I expected this drop to start sooner, and I was flying pretty high for quite a while...I have tried to surround myself with friends to remind myself of the positives. It has helped, but only so much. I will have to figure out a way to get myself back on track. I just don't feel good enough for anything.
I feel a lot of other things are falling apart. Code Red is stressing me out. I want everyone to have a good experience with it, but it's hard when I am not allowing myself to manage the big picture. That was never my job, I didn't want it to be...but as time passes, I am finding more and more responsibility coming my way.
I haven't been able to go to guard rehearsals as much as I would like. I finally feel like I am part of the staff, but my schedule makes it so difficult to get up there. This season, I have been able to reconnect with my passion for guard. I have needed the rehearsals to take my mind off of the other things that I have been struggling with.
I don't want to burden people with my problems, because in the grand scheme of things they are utterly insignificant. There are a lot of bigger things that I could waste time worrying about. It seems to be a trend among me and a few others...just not talking about it. Healthy? No. Necessary at this point in time until we can find the words to express it all? Yes.
posted by haze at 1:07 PM
1 Comments:
You can come say hi anytime. There isn't going to be any confrontations (there is nothing to confront about), no awkwardness (okay maybe a little, but I can work on it)
I am as happy as I'm going to be right now, and I appreciate the thought. Also understand that your anger is completely rational and understandable, as well as it is expected.
I made one mistake after another and I'm not proud of it, but I am taking your advice and working on myself. I'm trying to let people in, and I feel myself getting better, a little tiny bit at a time.
Most of all, I want YOU to be happy, because thats what you deserve. If this guy M does that, fantastic, if not...oh well. One day someone will come along that deserves everything that is good about you.
Thank you for even talking to me, feel better.
PS: Thanks for being the foot too, it was just what I needed.
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