Back...for now...

So sorry for the absence. It's weird. I get so caught up in life sometimes that I forget to release.

I guess the other reason why I have not been writing is because everything has been going so well for me. Work is so much less stressful than last year. It's nice to be able to pull a worksheet out of my filing cabinet and to reuse lesson plans. I have been having fun tweaking activities to better suit my kids. I wish that some of them would be a little bit kinder this year, but overall, I am still having fun and loving what I do.

Speaking of loving...I am SO in love with a very special guy. Most of you have heard the stories of my forays into the world of online dating. If nothing else, they've made for some great stories about all the insane people out there. But...I decided not to give up...and after two years of on-off/weak to moderate success, I think I can be marked with a check in the WIN column.

The past two and a half months have been a whirlwind. We started talking wayyyy back in May. We had a high match percentage, which essentially meant nothing to me at the time. I had learned my lesson with previous "matches". We exchanged a few pleasantries via email, and I would talk to him on AIM whenever I remembered to log on. I didn't think much of our conversations at first. I could tell he was an honest, good guy, but again, the skepticism creeped in.

Finally, we met up at the beginning of September for dinner. And that's when it started. Those immediate connections that I scoffed at? So true with the right person. He quickly became a huge part of my life, and a month later, when I told him we should "do the thang" (shut up perverts, I meant "become official"), I was surprised at just how well we fit.

Which brings me to this weekend. He surprised me with a trip to NYC for my birthday to see Memphis on Broadway and spend the night at The W in Times Square. I was already excited enough to be going, but when I opened the door to the hotel room and saw the rose petals strewn all over the place, I melted. The weekend was a total fairytale, and saying "I love you" for the first time together in such a magical city made the whole experience that much more wonderful.

And you know what? THIS is the relationship that I have been waiting for. It will be a big deal, although I am not 100% sure what that means yet. Finally someone who can return the love and affection that I regularly dish out. Someone who treats me the way everyone has been saying I deserve to be treated. I know that I tend to get excited at the start of any new relationship, but trust me when I tell you, he is different.

Sara Bareilles- "King of Anything"

The list of people that I could dedicate this song to is literally ten miles long:

Keep drinking coffee, stare me down across the table
While I look outside
So many things I’d say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet and count the cars that pass by

You’ve got opinions, man
We’re all entitled to ‘em, but I never asked
So let me thank you for your time, and try not to waste anymore of mine
And get out of here fast

I hate to break it to you babe, but I’m not drowning
There’s no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

You sound so innocent, all full of good intent
Swear you know best
But you expect me to jump up on board with you
And ride off into your delusional sunset

I’m not the one who’s lost with no direction
But you’ll never see
You’re so busy making maps with my name on them in all caps
You got the talking down, just not the listening

And who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

All my life I’ve tried to make everybody happy
While I just hurt and hide
Waiting for someone to tell me it’s my turn to decide

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

Let me hold your crown, babe

Oh BOY...

...I...

....am in trouble. And it feels AWESOME. :)

Where have all the good guys gone?

I apologize in advance for the tone of this post.

...let me let you in on a little secret. I hate dating. I hate the search. I hate the chase.

I hate that I have resorted to a dating site off and on over the past two years to meet people who weren't just after me for sex. I hate that I know I can use my physical appearance to get guys to notice me...and I hate that I actually think they'll stick around to get to know me.

I also hate that I can be so incredibly wrong about people, and actually trust the bullshit that spews from their mouths. I was spending time with a guy that I thought was ready to settle down, be supportive, and all that. Turns out, he was a veiled alcoholic prick who now seems bent on making me feel guilty for ending our little five-date soiree. He told me he had gotten a DUI a few months ago...but it was a one-time thing. He didn't have a drinking problem. Trust me, between my father and where I was junior year, I know what drinking problems look like. He has one. And I am neither emotionally equipped nor willing to stick around while this dude "figures it out."

I am retreating from the dating world for a while I think. No pursuits. No profile updates. No messages. I need to go back to just letting life happen.

And fully let myself heal...again from the relationship that ended two months ago. You know the pattern. I allow myself to fall in love, the guy backs out. The usual, really.

Maybe then I will find somebody who is ready to love me.

An Admission

I haven't been able to admit this to anyone.

I keep having dreams about my latest ex, Chris. In them, I am always in some kind of public place with my friends, usually a bar. He comes out of nowhere. We haven't spoken in months, and he's always home on leave from one of his travels for work. He pulls me aside, and he tells me that he wants me back. That I was the best thing that ever happened to him. That he loved me all along. That he was stupid to have let me go.

And always, I wake up with a racing heart, hoping it was the truth. When the real world hits again, I can't help but smile a little at my own idiocy.

The path to getting over someone you love is never easy...and I also know I have to tread cautiously. I've been out on four dates with someone else...and it's not fair that I want to be with him, and that I want to be with Chris too.

Until the dreams stop, it's only fair for me to stay right where I am.

Twenty-something Musings

Maybe it's just me getting older, and maybe some of you can relate...but lately I've been feeling a lot less like myself. It's like every person is getting just a small piece of me. I always pigeon-hole myself. To certain people, I'm the goofball; to others, the rock.

I slide into these roles effortlessly...like I am filling the gaps in each group I belong to.

It takes spending time with one of the few people who has seen all sides to realize what it is I've been doing. And just like every other time, I fall into a cyclical pattern of negative thought as I realize how many superficial relationships I have filled my life with.

The answer to the really stupid question...

...you break up.

Bring on the pain.

And Chris (because I know you'll never see this), you are still and will always be an awesome guy to me. Some circumstances just can't be helped. Love you.

A really stupid question...

What do you do when you're pretty sure that the person you love doesn't love you back?

What do you do when you're too afraid to ask the question, "Do you love me?" because you're pretty sure you already know what the answer will be?