The Pros and the Cons
You know, it's funny. Living own my own for the past two months has taught me so much about myself and sitting in my apartment, alone, and ready to absolutely pass out at 10:30 at night has persuaded me to share them.
1) As much as I love my independence and not having to rely on others for personal satisfaction, it is becoming clear to me that I am not having nearly enough personal interaction with people outside of my job (students or coworkers).
2) On the flip side, my job is becoming more and more stressful the closer we get to the end of the first marking period, and my drive to be the best teacher I can be seems to be sapping all my energy--to the point where I'm simply too tired to drive anywhere to do anything.
3) I'm lonely. Everyone is putting their lives together this year, and a lot of times, people just don't have the time to listen, myself included. This profession is tough--especially when there are so few people out there that do it and would understand what I'm going through. I can see why people quit after the first few years. The amount of red tape and paperwork is enough to make most people head for the hills. I have to remember why I'm doing this--to change lives, to make an impact. I need to remember to keep the bureaucracy of it all in check so I don't wind up as another statistic (1 in 4 of all first year teachers will leave the profession within five years).
4) I have matured a lot more than expected since graduation. Going back to my old house off campus today showed me how distasteful the college lifestyle has become. It's a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there ever again.
5) If there's anything that moving out and on my own three short months after graduation has taught me, it's that I can do this. I can support myself when few seemed to think that I could so quickly. I beat the odds of the economic crisis and was one of the three lucky ones in our undergrad cohort of nine who found a job. So, if nothing else, I can beat this funk...even if I'm doing it on my own.
1) As much as I love my independence and not having to rely on others for personal satisfaction, it is becoming clear to me that I am not having nearly enough personal interaction with people outside of my job (students or coworkers).
2) On the flip side, my job is becoming more and more stressful the closer we get to the end of the first marking period, and my drive to be the best teacher I can be seems to be sapping all my energy--to the point where I'm simply too tired to drive anywhere to do anything.
3) I'm lonely. Everyone is putting their lives together this year, and a lot of times, people just don't have the time to listen, myself included. This profession is tough--especially when there are so few people out there that do it and would understand what I'm going through. I can see why people quit after the first few years. The amount of red tape and paperwork is enough to make most people head for the hills. I have to remember why I'm doing this--to change lives, to make an impact. I need to remember to keep the bureaucracy of it all in check so I don't wind up as another statistic (1 in 4 of all first year teachers will leave the profession within five years).
4) I have matured a lot more than expected since graduation. Going back to my old house off campus today showed me how distasteful the college lifestyle has become. It's a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there ever again.
5) If there's anything that moving out and on my own three short months after graduation has taught me, it's that I can do this. I can support myself when few seemed to think that I could so quickly. I beat the odds of the economic crisis and was one of the three lucky ones in our undergrad cohort of nine who found a job. So, if nothing else, I can beat this funk...even if I'm doing it on my own.
posted by haze at 7:28 PM
4 Comments:
growing up isn't the world we expected i guess...but it REALLY is all of what you make of it. and i think it's important to remind yourself that it's going to be hard in those first couple of months or even year. it takes a little while to get comfortable, but i know you'll be able to do it :)
although i'm in school and i haven't had a big glimpse of that world yet, i know what some of my other friends are feeling. a lot of them have moved on to other states where they know absolutely no one, so you can call yourself lucky in that aspect...in that your friends and family are still sorta around (within 20 miles). :) i know derek had a difficult time at first because it's hard to make friends outside of a job esp since he didn't really have anything on the side. have you been getting close with any of the other younger high school teachers?
it's weird how easy it is to mature. it's kind of scary honestly...i'm not even sure how to make myself feel better about that. i kinda just want to be a kid ...a traveling kid...that travels to different countries. want to come along? lol
oh and omg...bobbigirl is getting married! talk about growing up and going on to that next level!
anyways, keep updating, it's nice to procrastinate from all the studying i've been doing!
loveee ya
ugh i miiiiiiiiiissssssssssssss you.
I miss BOTH of you. So. Much.
Oy. I can relate to so much of this. In fact, I might become one of those statistics. But I've never forgotten why I began on this path--for the kids, for the real and lasting change you can make in kids' lives every single day. That is the reason most of us fools stay in a profession unwilling to help us succeed, for real. But we get up each day, we stay up late each night, we brainstorm, we correct, we cry, we laugh, we talk and talk and talk, and we cut through that red tape as best we can. It is an impossible job to do well all the time. I think the trying, the belief in the ideal, is what matters, because when you aren't perfect, when you're not great, you're be a real person--and that might be the best lesson we can teach (our students and our selves).
As far as loneliness goes, I know that too. But I'm actually pretty happy with some of the growing I've done (5 years out of undergrad and I have SO much more growing to do), and I'm okay with being alone--not wholly satisfied, mind you, but okay.
If you can get to okay in both of those realms, and be okay with the lusterless reality, I think the wonder and the greatness and the fulfillment will follow. I've seen glimpses. And it's worth it.
Hang in there, girl. And I'm happy to chat about the teaching gig. I've had my heart tossed around by my experience in it, but I wouldn't change a thing. It brought me to a much stronger and energized place.
Oh, one more thing--simply based on your reflections here and elsewhere, I can tell you're a good egg. Believe that when all else fails you. You WILL do good. You WILL make change.
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