on that downswing

I don't feel okay at the moment.

Two major fights with my brother today. Feeling alienated from my family. I don't really have the energy to talk to anyone about it, because I feel like the only good it would do is solidify the fact that I need to get the hell out of here. I already know that, and there's nothing I can do in the meantime.

I want to cry my eyes out...but still, a voice in the back of my head keeps telling me that I am stronger than this. I don't know why I continue to do this to myself....let it all build up until I lash out at someone else. Big time. And THEN the tears come.

I try to live the hell out of life, because we only get one. Unfortunately, my balls to the wall attitude also applies to my emotions. I feel what I feel strongly. I think that gets me into trouble sometimes.