Blissful Discord

Back...for now...

2010-11-15T17:08:00.000-08:00

So sorry for the absence. It's weird. I get so caught up in life sometimes that I forget to release.

I guess the other reason why I have not been writing is because everything has been going so well for me. Work is so much less stressful than last year. It's nice to be able to pull a worksheet out of my filing cabinet and to reuse lesson plans. I have been having fun tweaking activities to better suit my kids. I wish that some of them would be a little bit kinder this year, but overall, I am still having fun and loving what I do.

Speaking of loving...I am SO in love with a very special guy. Most of you have heard the stories of my forays into the world of online dating. If nothing else, they've made for some great stories about all the insane people out there. But...I decided not to give up...and after two years of on-off/weak to moderate success, I think I can be marked with a check in the WIN column.

The past two and a half months have been a whirlwind. We started talking wayyyy back in May. We had a high match percentage, which essentially meant nothing to me at the time. I had learned my lesson with previous "matches". We exchanged a few pleasantries via email, and I would talk to him on AIM whenever I remembered to log on. I didn't think much of our conversations at first. I could tell he was an honest, good guy, but again, the skepticism creeped in.

Finally, we met up at the beginning of September for dinner. And that's when it started. Those immediate connections that I scoffed at? So true with the right person. He quickly became a huge part of my life, and a month later, when I told him we should "do the thang" (shut up perverts, I meant "become official"), I was surprised at just how well we fit.

Which brings me to this weekend. He surprised me with a trip to NYC for my birthday to see Memphis on Broadway and spend the night at The W in Times Square. I was already excited enough to be going, but when I opened the door to the hotel room and saw the rose petals strewn all over the place, I melted. The weekend was a total fairytale, and saying "I love you" for the first time together in such a magical city made the whole experience that much more wonderful.

And you know what? THIS is the relationship that I have been waiting for. It will be a big deal, although I am not 100% sure what that means yet. Finally someone who can return the love and affection that I regularly dish out. Someone who treats me the way everyone has been saying I deserve to be treated. I know that I tend to get excited at the start of any new relationship, but trust me when I tell you, he is different.

Sara Bareilles- "King of Anything"

2010-08-01T12:52:00.000-07:00

The list of people that I could dedicate this song to is literally ten miles long:

Keep drinking coffee, stare me down across the table
While I look outside
So many things I’d say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet and count the cars that pass by

You’ve got opinions, man
We’re all entitled to ‘em, but I never asked
So let me thank you for your time, and try not to waste anymore of mine
And get out of here fast

I hate to break it to you babe, but I’m not drowning
There’s no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

You sound so innocent, all full of good intent
Swear you know best
But you expect me to jump up on board with you
And ride off into your delusional sunset

I’m not the one who’s lost with no direction
But you’ll never see
You’re so busy making maps with my name on them in all caps
You got the talking down, just not the listening

And who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

All my life I’ve tried to make everybody happy
While I just hurt and hide
Waiting for someone to tell me it’s my turn to decide

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

Let me hold your crown, babe

Oh BOY...

2010-07-25T21:15:00.000-07:00

...I...

....am in trouble. And it feels AWESOME. :)

Where have all the good guys gone?

2010-07-03T09:18:00.000-07:00

I apologize in advance for the tone of this post.

...let me let you in on a little secret. I hate dating. I hate the search. I hate the chase.

I hate that I have resorted to a dating site off and on over the past two years to meet people who weren't just after me for sex. I hate that I know I can use my physical appearance to get guys to notice me...and I hate that I actually think they'll stick around to get to know me.

I also hate that I can be so incredibly wrong about people, and actually trust the bullshit that spews from their mouths. I was spending time with a guy that I thought was ready to settle down, be supportive, and all that. Turns out, he was a veiled alcoholic prick who now seems bent on making me feel guilty for ending our little five-date soiree. He told me he had gotten a DUI a few months ago...but it was a one-time thing. He didn't have a drinking problem. Trust me, between my father and where I was junior year, I know what drinking problems look like. He has one. And I am neither emotionally equipped nor willing to stick around while this dude "figures it out."

I am retreating from the dating world for a while I think. No pursuits. No profile updates. No messages. I need to go back to just letting life happen.

And fully let myself heal...again from the relationship that ended two months ago. You know the pattern. I allow myself to fall in love, the guy backs out. The usual, really.

Maybe then I will find somebody who is ready to love me.

An Admission

2010-06-30T18:23:00.000-07:00

I haven't been able to admit this to anyone.

I keep having dreams about my latest ex, Chris. In them, I am always in some kind of public place with my friends, usually a bar. He comes out of nowhere. We haven't spoken in months, and he's always home on leave from one of his travels for work. He pulls me aside, and he tells me that he wants me back. That I was the best thing that ever happened to him. That he loved me all along. That he was stupid to have let me go.

And always, I wake up with a racing heart, hoping it was the truth. When the real world hits again, I can't help but smile a little at my own idiocy.

The path to getting over someone you love is never easy...and I also know I have to tread cautiously. I've been out on four dates with someone else...and it's not fair that I want to be with him, and that I want to be with Chris too.

Until the dreams stop, it's only fair for me to stay right where I am.

Twenty-something Musings

2010-06-30T17:46:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's just me getting older, and maybe some of you can relate...but lately I've been feeling a lot less like myself. It's like every person is getting just a small piece of me. I always pigeon-hole myself. To certain people, I'm the goofball; to others, the rock.

I slide into these roles effortlessly...like I am filling the gaps in each group I belong to.

It takes spending time with one of the few people who has seen all sides to realize what it is I've been doing. And just like every other time, I fall into a cyclical pattern of negative thought as I realize how many superficial relationships I have filled my life with.

The answer to the really stupid question...

2010-05-11T17:53:00.000-07:00

...you break up.

Bring on the pain.

And Chris (because I know you'll never see this), you are still and will always be an awesome guy to me. Some circumstances just can't be helped. Love you.

A really stupid question...

2010-05-07T17:45:00.000-07:00

What do you do when you're pretty sure that the person you love doesn't love you back?

What do you do when you're too afraid to ask the question, "Do you love me?" because you're pretty sure you already know what the answer will be?

The Four Month Update...or so.

2010-03-14T13:07:00.000-07:00

Wow, time has really flown by since I got on this thing to make an update.

There is so much to say.

My job is going amazingly well. I truly love my students, and looking back to when I last posted about being a first year teacher, I can honestly say that I am starting to figure it all out. And my efforts have not gone unnoticed. I've been nominated by my school for my county's First Year Teacher award, which is the biggest honor I have ever received. Just the nomination is enough, really. It means that people can see how much effort I put into what I do. My students and their success is so important to me. I just hope that I have been able to make the kind of lasting impact on some of them that pulled me into this profession in the first place.

In other news, my personal life also has picked up a bit. I am spending more time with my coworkers outside of school, and I am happy to now be able to call many of them my friends. It makes such a huge difference to have people who understand what you go through on a day-to-day basis during the week. They are such fun people, and they really have kept me going and enthusiastic over the past few months.

Which brings me to my other big life event....the boyfriend. It's been about four months by his count, a little more than three by mine. He counts from the moment we met at the bar with some mutual friends. As wonderful as it has been, I have been struggling, again to beat away my insecurities. We live about an hour apart, meaning that I really only get to see him on the weekends if he doesn't have job stuff going on. He will be going to another part of the US for six months starting at the end of May, followed by a yearlong stint in a foreign country doing intelligence analytics. We've talked about what may or may not happen when he leaves, but he seems to shy away from the topic altogether. I am trying to be a realist, but my optimism and hope freaks him out I think, to the point where I am feeling like I need to hold back a little bit...to protect myself. I know, I know, I could even list the million and one things that are wrong with that situation, but I can't help wanting to do everything I can do make this work. Even if things stay the way they are for the next two months, and we break up after he leaves, I will still consider the relationship to have been a successful one.

I need to try to get back on this thing more often. Oy. Until next time!

2009-11-21T10:10:00.000-08:00

There is still this part of me that thinks about you.

And you.

And you.

And you.

And you.

Stealthily sliding your way into dreams...and sometimes, nightmares.

When I wake up, I find that my hands have not been idle. One, laying across the pillow, as if it had been tracing your outline.

And one, stretched across the empty half of my bed.

Then, I roll over, go back to sleep, this machinelike routine doesn't keep me from moving during the day.

But the darkness swallows that confidence again. I remember telling someone that it's the nights that scare me the most.

Recluse

2009-10-31T09:35:00.000-07:00

Yep. The loneliness is kicking in.

I am forcing myself to go out tonight to celebrate Halloween, even if I think it's a stupid holiday.

The Pros and the Cons

2009-10-03T19:28:00.001-07:00

You know, it's funny. Living own my own for the past two months has taught me so much about myself and sitting in my apartment, alone, and ready to absolutely pass out at 10:30 at night has persuaded me to share them.

1) As much as I love my independence and not having to rely on others for personal satisfaction, it is becoming clear to me that I am not having nearly enough personal interaction with people outside of my job (students or coworkers).

2) On the flip side, my job is becoming more and more stressful the closer we get to the end of the first marking period, and my drive to be the best teacher I can be seems to be sapping all my energy--to the point where I'm simply too tired to drive anywhere to do anything.

3) I'm lonely. Everyone is putting their lives together this year, and a lot of times, people just don't have the time to listen, myself included. This profession is tough--especially when there are so few people out there that do it and would understand what I'm going through. I can see why people quit after the first few years. The amount of red tape and paperwork is enough to make most people head for the hills. I have to remember why I'm doing this--to change lives, to make an impact. I need to remember to keep the bureaucracy of it all in check so I don't wind up as another statistic (1 in 4 of all first year teachers will leave the profession within five years).

4) I have matured a lot more than expected since graduation. Going back to my old house off campus today showed me how distasteful the college lifestyle has become. It's a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there ever again.

5) If there's anything that moving out and on my own three short months after graduation has taught me, it's that I can do this. I can support myself when few seemed to think that I could so quickly. I beat the odds of the economic crisis and was one of the three lucky ones in our undergrad cohort of nine who found a job. So, if nothing else, I can beat this funk...even if I'm doing it on my own.

New Ideals?

2009-09-28T06:52:00.000-07:00

Ever gotten the chance to live your dream? I mean, really live it.

I am finally self-sufficient, living on my own, paying (with my own money!) for the path I'm paving, and doing a job I've waited years to do.

And yet, I'm not as happy as I feel like I should be. In true haze fashion, I've thrown myself into my job instead of working through why that is...at the expense of personal time with friends and an empty kitchen pantry.

I swore to myself this would not happen again. After student teaching, I promised not to drown again. But it's happening. This can't be who I am.

Now, I'm off. Because I have to go do all that stuff I'm not supposed to. I'll have to figure it out on the weekends.

First Day of School

2009-08-30T09:21:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm starting high school all over again. This time, I'm not afraid of being shoved into a locker, getting lost and being late to class, or walking all over the school in an endless search for the swimming pool on the third floor.

No, my greatest fear right now is not being good enough.

Okay, I'm back.

2009-08-23T18:50:00.000-07:00

Almost a month later. In a new apartment. Just dipping my toes into a new job. Knee-deep in another impossibly confusing "relationship." A good friend who just moved up north to follow her dreams. Spent four of the last six weeks on antibiotics. Round three now---for three weeks.

There is so much to say. So much to be afraid of. So much to be excited about.

Just...so. Much.

I will take this one day at a time. I will let myself process. I will grow. I will change. I will keep the stress level low, and the happiness high.

And most importantly, I will remember not to neglect this.

Changes, changes...

2009-07-27T19:25:00.000-07:00

I move to my own apartment in a week and a half. I start my new career in less than a month.

My friends are starting grad school, and if they haven't left MD already, they will be soon.

I am as TERRIFIED as I am excited.

This is a strange case. I typically hate change, but I am so excited for what the future has to offer that I can't help but smile a little bit when I think about all the good things that are sure to be coming up for me and the people I care about.

I know that no matter what happens, the people we are supposed to love and keep talking to will always be there, regardless of where we all end up.

Hm.

2009-07-20T17:49:00.000-07:00

Is it possible? I've gone almost a month without posting, and I am disappointed in myself because for the first time in my life, I feel like I have nothing to write about.

I think that a hiatus will be good for me. Until I can figure out how to love writing again.

My Summer List

2009-06-28T10:18:00.000-07:00

Things I need to do before I move and start working:

Go to the zoo.

Go to one or more Orioles' games.

Go camping.

Make a day trip to the beach.

Find a color guard replacement.

Clean up my life, literally and figuratively.

Enjoy these last few months of summer.

Stop allowing myself to get dragged down in everything that isn't happening and embrace what is.

Why do I always get so philosophical? :P

old Friday Five

2009-06-22T21:05:00.001-07:00

I know it's like three weeks old...but I couldn't pass this up.

1. What do you feel is the most important quality in a close friend?

There are a lot of cliched, abstract nouns running through my mind: trust, loyalty, humor, etc. But these are things I can see in all of my friends. I don't think I can explain what distinguishes a close friend from the other garden varieties. I guess the most important quality is an aura that meshes so well with and complements mine that I can no longer fathom living my life without them.

2. What is the one quality in a stranger you'd just met that would make you want to get to know them better?

Someone with a quiet confidence about them. Not ostentatious, but who knows that they have a lot going for them.

3. What do you think is the most important quality in a good leader?

The ability to bring a group of diverse people together.

4. What is the one thing that makes a child likable to you?

The way they laugh at everything. It reminds me of a time when I thought the stupidest things were funny.

5. What do you think is the one thing that makes a good parent (other than loving their children)?

Loving yourself.

Like Mother, like...what?

2009-06-21T20:38:00.000-07:00

"L, honey, don't leave. Stay here tonight."

Friday afternoon, and I am curled up in my parents' bed with my mom, watching her soap operas. I stopped by after work because I needed to feel close to someone. You know those days, where you just need to be hugged, have your back rubbed, fall asleep under an open window, fading in and out of consciousness, listening to my mom make stupid comments about the plots onscreen.

"Why? I can't sleep on the air mattress, and I might be going out tonight."

My mom sighs, rolls over, and whispers: "Because I need you."

When I left, my heart broke louder than the sound of the front door closing. Sitting in my car at the light to turn back home, I felt hot tears burning their trails down my cheeks. I kept asking myself why I couldn't have stayed. Why I've insisted on being out of the house for so many years. Why going home is a chore I'd rather avoid altogether. Why three hours seems to be my limit.

We are so much alike...she and I. Everyone sees the resemblance. I'm a beautiful amalgam of her good looks, patience, and predisposition to stress and panic. But I love her for all of these things. I look at her, and I wonder why she is still where she is.

I know what she did that night. Same thing she did tonight. She warmed up a hot bath, took a trashy romance novel in with her, came downstairs to warm up some milk, drank it, and fell asleep while my brother and dad are downstairs watching TV. She will wake up tomorrow and go to work, or clean the house, and call me just to say hi.

And I will act like it's a nuisance, like my life is too busy to sit down and talk to the one person I admire more than anyone else in the world. And then I will go out with my friends and have fun, pretending I can keep carrying this burden. Like the past 21 years haven't already dented me.

And then it's my turn to come back to my house...and do the same thing I do every night. Throw myself into the lives of my friends because it's so much easier to listen to their cares than acknowledge that I've been ignoring mine.

She needs me. I rarely acknowledge how much I need her in return.

seriously?

2009-06-16T19:07:00.001-07:00

So I was on Facebook today and received a notification for my "Honesty Box" application, which I would normally delete, having forgotten that I even had this stupid application installed in the first place. I got curious...and I read this (posted yesterday, from an anonymous girl):

"Maybe if you stopped thinking the world revolved around you, you'd have a bf."

*blinks*

Is this really what people think of me?

Paradise?

2009-06-10T20:32:00.000-07:00

The salt-tinged air cut harder than the strokes of my arms as they plowed through the clear blue water. I swam long laps, but still, I felt contained.

You can only go as far as the cove, before the coral melts away into a cool cerulean...palace? Paradise? Prison? Couldn't they all just be one and the same?

Every breath reminded me that I am thirsty. That I am perpetually in motion, swimming for something I can't seem to catch up to.

Yes, it does feel good to move, to feel every muscle contracting, expanding, pulling, pushing, colliding, sliding, grinding, but in the pursuit of what?

Happiness? I have that in my friends. And sometimes in my family. And more often than not, even in myself.
Trust? Love? Faith? I have those too, for the people that deserve them.

What is it, then, that keeps me on this aimless chase? Maybe I just like to feel like I am going after something, even if I have no idea what it is.

Army Boy

2009-05-20T12:17:00.000-07:00

I love to hate the way he does this to me. Four times over. With noodles.

I am officially...

2009-05-14T16:45:00.001-07:00

(barring graduation), an English teacher. A real one. With a real county.

HOLY SHIT.

It's BuyBack Season!

2009-05-12T16:37:00.000-07:00

I have sold my soul to retail.

Cashiering, stocking, restocking, returns, frivolous searches for something that probably doesn't exist anyway, and the pursuit of that barely-over-minimum-wage paycheck.

Why do I do it?

When I can make someone's day, just by handing them a book. When my coworker-friends just about tackle me because they haven't seen me in four months. When I look at a display that I spent hours pulling together and a customer walks by and says "Wow, that looks great!"

I felt at home clocking in today. I felt at home sitting at my desk doing sales reports. And I even felt at home when the nerdy guy stared at my boobs while I facilitated his textbook buyback.

Maybe I'm weird for loving what some would consider the most mindless, unsatisfying summer job in the world. But I get to watch people. And talk about books.

I love my temporary, seasonal job, and I don't care who knows it!

2009-05-10T07:54:00.003-07:00

Just for once, I'd like some kind of follow-through.

2009-05-06T19:18:00.001-07:00

With just two days of student teaching left, my portfolio submitted, and graduation looming, I can't help but feel like myself again. The excitement of this summer, spending time with him, going through Liz's list of last-things-to-do-before-she-moves, apartment hunting with Mel, finally getting a full-time teaching job. So many things to look forward to.

I'll have to make a more conscious effort to update this thing, so that I can take you all along for the ride.

2009-04-14T18:36:00.000-07:00

I don't feel right knowing that I won't see him for 5 weeks. This is going to be hard.

I miss him.

2009-04-07T20:35:00.000-07:00

I wish that I had the courage to tell him how much he already means to me, how much I look forward to these nightly phone calls and weekend visits, and how much I wish I could look into his eyes and know that he's feeling the same way.

There is this mystery about him, this push-pull, take me-leave me dichotomy that is as enthralling as it is frustrating.

What I know is that I want him.

What I don't know, is if he wants me.

My house caught on fire...

2009-04-05T19:33:00.000-07:00

...or at least, the oven did. Thank God I remembered that we had a fire extinguisher downstairs. It took about three hours to clean up, and we lost most of our kitchen stuff, but we're all safe. The fire dept came quickly, I didn't get put on hold by 911 dispatch, and our neighbors have stepped up big time to help us out. They bought us pizza, brought over vacuums and trashbags, and have offered us their shower to use for the next two days.

Long story short, there was a faulty gas line hooked up to the oven. This could have happened any time. I'm just glad we were home.

One of my roomies has mild smoke inhalation (she went back inside to get the parakeet out), and we are all pretty shaken. I'm sure one day I'll look back on this and chuckle, like one of those dumb college stories you tell your kids just after they graduate from high school.

I can't even explain the smoke that was pouring out of the house and how scared I was that we'd lose everything. There is NOTHING more frightening than seeing flames.

Anyway, here are some pics:

This is the oven. Obviously. The flames were shooting out from that bottom drawer. I left the house right after, but I think they were coming out through the burners too, because the top part of the stove is also scorched. The guy standing to the left is from the gas company. He turned off our gas until we can get someone out here to fix whatever is wrong with the hose.

Most of this is from the fire extinguisher. But a good bit of it is soot from all the smoke. Most of it's gone, and one of the neighbors brought over an air filter so we don't breath in the stuff too much.

Why I can never be enough.

2009-04-04T19:39:00.001-07:00

"I wouldn't expect you to want to eat dinner with us anyway."

or

"Just go home. It's clear you don't want this to be your home anymore."

or

"You are too absorbed in yourself and your own life to think to call us every once in a while."

...I think that one hurts the most.

If he knew me, REALLY knew me, I would hope that he would see that I am more than that. Am I really projecting those images out there, for the world to see and judge me upon?

I hate these long strings of emo posts. This isn't me either. This whole blog isn't me.

What the FUCK is me, then? I'm not this, that, the other, anything.

I want the people who are supposed to accept me unconditionally to do just that. I'm not perfect. I'm not even a great sister or daughter. But I'm trying to be enough, as much as I can be

Oh John Mayer...

2009-04-04T19:24:00.000-07:00

My quarter-life crisis has begun four years early.

It's as if I need to self-actualize all over again. So many things seem utterly pointless to me right now, things that I would have been excited about a year ago.

I can see how I'm becoming impossibly hard to be around. I don't blame anyone for being more excited to spend time with someone else besides me. Really, I get it.

...the truth is, I don't like spending time with myself either.

2009-03-15T10:17:00.001-07:00

Me: Some people think I work too hard to find something that's special.

Him: Some people think I don't look hard enough.

Me: So who wins? Who is going about this the right way?

Him: I think you do. Someone has to go out there and find the guys like us.

Showing my underbelly.

2009-02-22T11:00:00.000-08:00

They say that 80% of what you teach is who you are. Tomorrow, I am sharing some of my poetry with my students. Over the weekend, I assigned them the task of writing a fifteen line poem based on something they've read thus far in Othello. They need to pick out a line from Act IV, Scene 2 that was particularly striking to them, write a poem based on it, and write a few sentences that explain why they chose that line...and tie their poem to the themes presented in the play.

I know some of my students are reluctant writers, particularly with anything creative. To make them more comfortable, I wrote my own poem. I'm pretty proud of this one, even though it took me ten minutes to write and still needs to be tweaked.

For those of you that know me, you know that showing anyone my personal writing is kind of a big deal. I want my students to know that they are part of a trusting environment...part of establishing that type of classroom requires me to trust them back. So I am taking the first step tomorrow...we'll see how this goes.

The Dance of Envy

"Let me see your eyes. Look in my face." (Line 30)
She raises her head,
The lights of innocence, purity, those bright lights of fidelity,
Jump across the blackness of her despairing pupils,
To bridge the gap,
Between what she knows,
And the crushing whiteness that is yet to come.

He looks but does not see,
She looks,
But does not find.

Shadows of doubt and jealousy,
Two-step across his mind,
Slamming his soul up against and straight through,
The opened cage of his unleashed emotions.
5, 6, 7, 8. Fall.

There is an inherent irony to Othello's request to see Desdemona's eyes, to look into the windows to her soul. I was immediately struck by Othello's cold reaction to his weeping, pleading wife. The mental assurance of a fake reality is enough to cloud acknowledgment and acceptance of the truth.

Alive...

2009-02-06T16:00:00.000-08:00

...and thriving...somehow.

Teaching is going well. I love my students, even if they don't always love me back.

I love my winter guard kids, and hopefully, they love me back.

I am pretty happy with where I'm at right now. No drama. Just stress. But that can be managed fairly easily.

It almost makes me worry that something big is about to go down soon...because my life hasn't been this fluid for this long in TOO long.

I am bracing myself.

Friday Five: A Hodge-Podge

2009-02-06T15:50:00.000-08:00

What activity can you not believe you survived in your childhood?

Definitely playing football in "Death Valley"--comprised of two big hills in my parents' neighborhood. Try running up a steep incline with four or five teenage boys coming after you. Yep, deadly.

What activity can you not believe kids get away with today?

Something I've noticed a lot in my classroom...the Wake and Bake. I'll leave it at that.

If you could be anyone else in the world live or dead, who would you choose to be?

This is a hard question. I like who I am, although it would be fun to be some sort of touring musician. Anyone who can play the guitar and sing at the same time. Michelle Branch. Yes. I'd like to be her.

A lot of people think they've been in love at 15 or 16 years old, do you think you now look back and think you were a stupid kid or do you believe that you were old enough to know what love is?

I wouldn't say I was a stupid kid. There were definitely strong feelings there...but I didn't really feel love until 18 or 19. I just don't think kids that young have the capacity to fully grasp the concept of it.

Do you think it is possible to remain in love with someone you once loved, but haven't seen in a year?

Yes. Real, actual love is really hard to get rid of, no matter how much you know you should move on from it.

2009-01-18T20:20:00.000-08:00

wake up, girl.
unfurllllll those fingers that were clamped around his,
so tightly that the blood comes rushing back,
pulsing in warm rays like the sun peeking in through the blinds.

roll over, girl.
back into him. no need to get up now,
just lay. just hold. just be held.
just. be.

lie still, girl.
enjoy these moments,
where the breaths, they rise,
and fall. in unison.
in. out. in. out.

let go, girl.
let loose.
let, something. anything.

Ms. Haze...and other crap.

2009-01-18T20:12:00.000-08:00

As it turns out, I had no reason to fear being in the classroom. I love it. I love my students. I love the other staff members. I love my mentor teacher. I love being able to connect with my kids.

There can be no doubt...I am doing what I was meant to do with my life. I need to start working on my portfolio and planning out my student-data research project.

...no one said this was gonna be easy!

I went down to the 9:30 club in DC last night with two of my good girlfriends to see Adele, who is this AMAZING British singer. I can't recommend her enough. Her show ranked in the top five that I've seen--easily. Such an effortless voice, and the most poignant, emotion-wrought lyrics you'll ever hear.

My roommates are going to be returning tomorrow. It'll be nice to have the house full again :)

run haze run

2009-01-04T13:13:00.001-08:00

I had a strange sort of out-of-body experience today. I was outside choreographing in my backyard when I felt this overwhelming urge to get away. Nothing prompted it. I just needed to get out.

So I went into my front yard, down the hill, across the street to the sidewalk. And I started running. Usually, the fear of screwing up my already bad knee keeps me from moving anywhere faster than the pace of a light jog. But this time, I just RAN. My feet hit the pavement, and rather than the jolt of pain that shoots up my leg and into my knee, I felt nothing. I measured out my breathing to match the pattern of my steps and after what was probably half a mile, I realized I didn't have any cramping. After that distance, I usually find myself wheezing and slowing down.

The houses and driveways started to blend together and I forgot about everything. The stress of student teaching, trying to hold this guard program together when I can feel myself losing heart in it, and the loss I still feel over my dog. Everything I want to say to people, but can't. It all just floated out of my mind. All that mattered was the next stride, the next breath, the next block. I made a circle, probably no more than a mile and a half, and made it back home.

I can tell you this: my body will regret this freedom tomorrow morning and even if I never find the energy to do this again, the bliss I felt when I wasn't worried about anything can't be matched.

It is back to the real world now...but if I can run that far after years of virtual inactivity, I can buckle down and take on the rest of this.

New Year

2009-01-02T17:06:00.000-08:00

So. It is 2009. I am graduating into the real world in five months. I start student teaching full time in two days. I am absolutely terrified of all of the change that I am going to be facing in the next year. But, it's part of life...and rather than make a lame resolution that I know I won't keep, I'm just going to do what I do every year--better myself every day.

I hope I make a good teacher. The next five months are probably going to be the most challenging of my life. The 5 AM wakeups, the paperwork, the bureaucracy, the balance I am going to need to keep guard a top priority in the midst of it all. I am up to the challenge, I have no choice but to be.

2008-12-26T06:04:00.000-08:00

why is it always me? i feel like i'm caught in a huge riptide.

2008-12-24T17:59:00.000-08:00

Happy Holidays to you and yours!!!

...gah, just realized...I start student teaching full time in a week and a half! I am so freaking excitedddddd!

I hope some of you out there are getting a white Christmas...although this 56 degree weather is okay too.

Holi-haze

2008-12-22T20:56:00.000-08:00

i am having one of those weeks where there are so many words exploding inside me that it is utterly impossible to sort them out enough to write them down.

i haven't been sleeping. i haven't really been eating healthily either. i'm overwhelmed with inner conflicts that i knew were coming, that perhaps were even inevitable. i just didn't think it would be this hard.

i prayed last night. a lot. for so many people, and for so many things. it's one of the only things that has been getting me to sleep at night, an emotional drain that unclogs this mess long enough for my mind to drift into this weird blank unconsciousness. i can't remember the last time i had a dream, good or bad. instead all i can recall when i wake up in the morning are the fervent pleas i've been sending upstairs.

instead of looking forward to the new year, i want to go back and relive this one again.

i am using this Christmas to recharge and reevaluate. i think that reworking my perspective may help things a lot. i just hope it isn't too obvious that i am running around with my tail between my legs.

nothing feels normal. i'm either putting too much thought into things, or i feel restless, like i'm not doing enough.

i want the world to right itself. but i know nothing is going to happen if i sit around waiting.

i hope i get the chance to change.

2008-12-20T23:19:00.001-08:00

People who drive plow trucks are INSANE.

2008-12-18T06:32:00.000-08:00

I can't get Taylor Swift's new song "Love Song" out of my head. This may be a bad sign...because after last year, I stopped believing in the cliche. I am afraid that I am expecting it again.

At dinner last night with my roommates, one of our mutual friends asked me if I had a boyfriend. When I said no, she replied with "but you always have one!"

Have I really become that girl? The one who needs to have a guy around so people will recognize me? Is it so impossible to accept my identity without someone in my life?

I am too afraid to even talk about the person I am interested in. I can see it in their eyes...they'll shake their heads and say "Here she goes again..."

I am just trying to find the magic I used to have. Maybe they just haven't loved the way I once did, because once you have had that, you want it back. Bad. But maybe it really is my logic that's fucked up.

Man's Best Friend

2008-12-08T19:01:00.000-08:00

I know that I should have been prepared for this...he was 15 years old, lung problems, Lyme disease, athritis...

We put him down tonight because of something completely random and sporadic. He got bloat, which in dogs is very lethal. My brother was home when it happened, and we almost lost him right when he got to the vet. They were able to bring him back but the surgery it would take to save him was just as iffy. He was part of our family...and I guess I just wanted to verbal diarrhea some of my favorite memories of him...

Running headfirst into a tree in the backyard chasing after a squirrel

Walking him on a leash around the backyard when we adopted him (he was 2, I was 7) to show him the house. Then my brother and I giving him the grand tour of his new house.
The way he would curl his upper lip and smile at us when he was really excited.
How he couldn't run in a straight line...he always looked lopsided
The way he would purr when you pet him and rub his head on you and the furniture. I used to joke he had species confusion disorder.
How much it helped having him there when we lost our Golden Retriever
How he could tell a story with his barks
How he used to lay under my bed at home
Such a wuss...would climb into bed with me during thunderstorms, afraid of small dogs and puppies too
His love for chicken jerky...and how he figured out that if he drank more water, we'd let him out more, and if we let him out more, he'd get more chicken jerky as a reward for coming inside when we called him
The way he would look carsick in the back seat on long trips
The doggy ice cream we'd give him on his birthday
All his little doggy girlfriends in the neighborhood....my boy was a STUDMUFFIN!
His UMD Terps food bowls, leash, and collar
His stocking at Christmas, filled with bones. He would get so excited by the smell that he wouldn't know what to do with himself.
He couldn't swim. He would just walk into the water, and then sit down.
He didn't like playing with toys but if you got him excited the right way and the right time, he'd chase a tennis ball one time. Then he'd bring it back to you, looking at you like he was saying "What the hell am I supposed to do with this?"
How he'd knock me over when I'd come home from college to visit, and then try to climb in my lap.
How he'd come find me when my mom asked "Where's sissy?"
Curling up at our feet when we watched tv.
Running and barking in his sleep.

It only seems fitting that my last memory of me and my dog are traipsing through the woods together in West Virginia. He loved it up there.

Rest in peace, Hershey Duke. You will be missed, so. fucking. much.

Before the chaos

2008-12-06T07:50:00.000-08:00

The last two weeks of the semester. 4 final papers, to be followed swiftly by 4 final exams. It is tortuous to be a college student this time of year, really. I have to hammer out a twelve page research paper on the trope of the libertine in eighteenth century English literature. Joy. I've barely started. December 19th is my last final...and you better believe I am LIVING for that Friday.

My reward for getting all this stuff done comes in the form of nine books I am going to try to read over my short winter break (my spring semester is the beginning of my full time student teaching internship, so I have to go back when my students do...Jan. 5th). I had started Jane Eyre over the summer but couldn't finish it before school started, so it hit the backburner. I celebrated Bookseller Appreciation Week where I work by purchasing eight others. The stack of books to read on my nightstand may just be the most prominent structure in my room at this point! I also bought JK Rowling's new book, The Tales of Beedle the Bard, because I wouldn't be a Harry Potter fan without it...along with Persuasion by Jane Austen, Such a Pretty Fat by Jen Lancaster, Dave Eggers' A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius (woohoo Bargain section!), The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafon (which I have heard is A-MA-ZING), The Poe Shadow by Matthew Pearl (brilliant mystery writer....also has The Dante Club which I highly recommend for fans of Dante's Inferno), Michael Cunningham's The Hours (because I read Mrs. Dalloway this fall), and Virginia Woolf's To the Lighthouse for a modernist challenge.

Okay....no way I can read all these by the first week of January. New goal: By the time I graduate (May!), I will have all these read.

Now, I have to write. Kill me.

Thanks(for what)giving?

2008-11-29T07:59:00.000-08:00

So it's Saturday, and I have done NOTHING productive school-wise, nor have I done laundry or gone grocery shopping. The list of things that need to happen today so I can keep my sanity is ridiculously long...and on top of that I'm sick. Again. I guess the only good thing about staying in to do homework is that I am forced to rest, even though there are a lot of other things I'd rather be doing.

Thanksgiving was very strange for me this year. My dad, mom, brother, and I (plus the dog) wound up at our cabin in West Virginia. I hadn't been up in a couple years, which surprised me, because I always like exploring the woods up there so much as a kid. It took me a while to realize that I hate it there now because there is no escape. Yes, I can go take a walk when I need to get away, but I have to eventually come back to the cramped three-room cabin. I missed going to my aunt's house, seeing my cousins, seeing my grandma...there's a lot more going on, and a lot more places to be if I need space.

I guess my biggest problem right now is that no matter how hard I try to spend time with my family, I always feel like an outsider. With my brother living at home now, I feel like there are a lot of things I've missed out on, a lot of inside jokes that don't get explained, a lot of glances back and forth that I don't understand.

I wish I could say that my college home has become a place where I belong, but I find myself so distanced from my roommates that I am afraid of being in the same room with them. They are all (with the exception of one, who is here less than I am) the type of petty dramatists that I hate. Mature conversations are hard to come by here, and I feel really unfulfilled most of the time. They can all be such great people, so when the shit hits the fan, I just feel really let down. I am hoping the break has given us a chance to miss each other...so things could be better tomorrow when we are all back.

I went out with some old high school friends last night. Bittersweet as always. Great to see everyone, but also hard to see how much we've changed and established our own lives. I am glad that we can still spend time together without it being weird, though.

I guess that's all I have for now. I've been writing a lot of poetry as of late, so if I get the chance later today, I'll post some.

How convenient is this?!

2008-11-24T19:45:00.000-08:00

This past week's Friday Five requires me to actually give you some life updates!!!

Feelings

What made you happy this week? Going to Chicago with Liz to visit Dawn. I forgot how much I love that city, and being there with them made it that much better. PLUS, I survived my first plane ride...and I admit it, I like flying. Being on top of the Sears Tower was probably my favorite part of the trip. The view was so humbling, and it represented me getting that much closer to conquering my fear of heights.
What made you sad? Leaving Chicago. Seeing the tears in the eyes of some of my guard kids can't afford the $75 down payment. I felt my heart break because they felt ashamed. I wanted to hug all of them.
What made you angry? The fact that my kids actually had to feel bad about not having money. The people I live with not bothering to ask about my trip.
What are you looking forward to in the next week? Seeing Jason Mraz with Liz, Thanksgiving with my family, choreographing this weekend.
What are you not looking forward to? Writing papers. And unit plans. Just, school in general.

I know that I am due for a life update, but....

2008-11-19T20:12:00.000-08:00

...this sums it up pretty nicely.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snSZrM9RAk0&feature=PlayList&p=2D51C5B3674E2D11&playnext=1&index=54

As you can see, I am perilously close to the edge of insanity.

But it's not all that bad. I'm leaving for Chicago with lizziface for the weekend to visit Dawn. Should be a good time, not to mention the fact that the trip over will be my first plane ride. Ever. I'm excited!

The work keeps piling up, as I'm sure most of us can relate to...but I've been really productive this week, so hopefully I won't have too much stuff to worry about taking care of when I get back late Sunday.

Winterguard is starting up, and I am really looking forward to the season. Between my school, Liz's school, and a few more in the county, we could have upwards of sixteen kids participating. To have that kind of reach all across the county is awesome. We are setting the bar higher than ever this year. We don't want to be on the brink of last place anymore...our goal is to WIN. With the talent level we already have, and the natural ability of our rookie members, I don't see any reason why we can't actually kick some ass this year (assuming that our kids live up to their potential...and that's always the tricky part!)

Friday Five: Phone Matters

2008-11-10T20:38:00.000-08:00

1. Could you live without your phone for 1 week for $500?
Add a few more zeros. Then we'll talk.
2. Whom do you talk to on the phone the most?
lizziface, my mom at a close second.
3. Whom do you no longer talk to on the phone but wish you still did?
some high school friends that i've lost touch with.
4. If you could get a hold of one celebrity phone number, whose digits would you want?
David Beckham, please. :)
5. Do you talk on the phone more or less than you used to?
I definitely text a lot more now. I'd say I actually talk on the phone the same amount I always have, though.

Bon anniversaire!

2008-11-09T10:40:00.001-08:00

I'm finally 21 today!!! And man, I made it COUNT last night.

I blame Liz. You should too ;)

2008-10-27T16:10:00.000-07:00

I am in a funk. I feel restless, lonely, futile. This has nothing to do with a lack of "boy"...but a lack of much of anyone. There a few who (thankfully!) are sticking with me right now, which I appreciate more than they realize but I need something unexpectedly awesome to happen to me.

The major problem is that I don't have time to do something that makes me feel good about myself. Okay haze, so MAKE time. Pfft. That would require me to desert something else, the lack of which would make me feel even worse about myself. So that's lose-lose.

I am sending up a plea to karma. If I work really hard and keep trying to be a good person, can you please hit me back with some of your good favor, beyond the things that I see coming? Because those moments don't seem to matter that much to me right now.

I want my relationship with my roommates to not be awkward anymore. I want my close friends to call me to check in, not the other way around. I want to be invited to things, even if I can't go, just to see that someone thought of me.

I am asking too much. I am too busy to be available enough to anyone so they'll want to be available to me.

I'm being melodramatic, stupid, and I'm wallowing. But can a gal please get SOMETHING here??

The Little Guard That Could

2008-10-22T21:11:00.000-07:00

I know, I promised an update like this a LONG time ago. With the end of the season just a week and a half away, it seems like this is way overdue.

I'm very torn about how this season went with my kids, my first instructing alone, my first without L, and my first without the kids I'd spent four years after high school getting to know at QO.

Our final product...I think it's okay. My first goal was just to prove to myself and to everyone else that I could do it. I did that in spades. I know I'm capable, but my goal seemed too small about halfway through the season. I am afraid that by then, just being good had already been instilled into my girls' heads. They resisted my pushing them to be great.

They hate rehearsing, they hate cleaning, they hate being outside, they seem to hate everything that requires any kind of hustle or extensive physical skill. And yet, they keep coming back. I can't figure out why, other than that magical thing known as the color guard friendship. I don't think I did a good enough job getting them to bond with me this year...so I really can't take any credit for the fact that they keep showing up.

But to focus on the positives: Our first competition so far, we got a 15...which is a pretty decent score for a rookie instructor. It certainly wasn't their best showing, I've seen much better at most of their rehearsals. I made changes as per the judges request (well, what I could reasonably do without bogging them down further...), but my corrections feel next to worthless because a) we have no competition in our group this weekend and b) we are only doing two competitions to begin with. But I feel like we can (sorta) hang with the big dogs...we were VERY close in guard score to a lot of other very established programs.

Another landmark we hit, reclaiming our title in our town's parade. Not such a big deal to many of you, but when you are competing against two rival high schools with MUCH bigger bands, it's nice to have the trophy back. I can't help but take a lot of credit for that because no other guard did what we did in front of the judges stand. Winning "Best Costume" for the entire parade ain't too shabby either (kudos to L for that...!)

My goal for this weekend is to get the kids over the 16 hump, which felt so good when I was in high school. Lots of cleaning is in store over the next few days, and for once, I'm really happy that we have a home game on Friday to make sure they're ready. My other goal is for them to meet and see the other MoCo programs I have ties too (QO and NW to be specific). I just want my kids to see that they can do what any other guard out there does if they'd put in the effort.

Despite having lost two members, and almost losing another to surgery (I had to add her into the rest of the show a little over three weeks ago), we've stayed resilient. I am so proud of them for that, for their flexibility while all this chaos, completely out of our control, is going on. My cute little pet name for them in the heading couldn't be more true. With no members, and no money, we somehow managed to throw something together that is pretty decent. I just wish my kids wouldn't be so satisfied with "average."

With winterguard looming, I know what I need to do: build better relationships with my students so they'll want to work harder for me. I think that will make the difference.

2008-10-19T08:47:00.000-07:00

Here it comes again.

Hope.

Fuck.

Dream State

2008-10-13T21:07:00.001-07:00

I guess I never thought about reality like this before. This whole concept of blogging to capture what is (or maybe isn't) true about ourselves. It's like having a dream and then trying to explain it to an outsider. You can tell the story, but they can't live it. They weren't there. Our experiences are the only things we really own, the only things that truly belong to us.

I'm not doing this so that people who read this will understand me better. It's an impossibility. I really am doing this for me. If you happen to be touched somehow, or see yourself in something I've said, I am grateful. I like it when my personal matters seem to coincide so closely with someone else's...but it's only that, coincidence.

I worry myself sometimes. I am afraid that my new "insight" just makes me come off as more isolated.

Friday Five: "Important stuff."

2008-10-12T16:14:00.000-07:00

What is the most important thing by your side right now?

My I-pod. Left side.

Why is it so important?

Music is incredibly important to me. My life is chaotic, but my songs are always there, always the same, always with the same comforting words. Strange that a little rectangular computer with the click-wheel is one of the only things that stays consistent in my life.

Can you live without it?

As long as the songs stay backed up on my computer...yes. I feel like I would lose a huge part of myself if my music was gone. I also think I'd lose a lot of memories...because I tend to attach songs to important moments and people.

What is the one thing you can't live without?

Any of my journals. I still have ones from elementary school. There's something really cool about flipping back through your life, the pages faded and torn in some places. A page missing here or there because you got scared someone would find out your deepest secrets. When my fingers trace back across whatever I happened to scrawl in that day, I go back to that moment. I don't think you can move forward in life if you can't go back and relive what's already passed you. I'd feel stagnant without my journals.

Who is the one person you can't live without?

I try really hard not to let myself get that attached to people. I fear loss. The few that have etched themselves that far in my heart...they know who they are, and I don't need to say it.

L.O.S.E.R.

2008-10-11T23:20:00.000-07:00

I just spent two hours in my house (at a party mind you) SURROUNDED by hot guys...

...I didn't talk to any of them.

*hangs head in shame*

My color guard did an excellent job tonight, however. More on that tomorrow. Now, I am taking my lame ass to bed. Alone.

Take your joint...and shove it!

2008-10-06T21:11:00.000-07:00

Dear art-fart male English majors,

Your lip ring does not make you avant garde. Neither does your pot-smoking philosophizing. Brush your hair, throw out your flannel, and put your Kerouac back in your backpack. While I admire your attempts to dethrone the Romantic era in favor of postmodern drug-addled musings of hippie poets, you come across as a shallow-minded idiot bent on showing the world just how much of an art-eest you truly are. I respect artists who retain some level of humility. But when you call an entire class GLIB (especially after I just brandished my own little gem of genius...[sarcasm]), you've entered the realm of the cocky bastard. And congrats. In doing so, you've actually embraced the manhood you've been trying to rid yourself of.

This is for you asshole. I've got Ken Kesey in one hand, and Wordsworth in the other. Suck 'em.

With love,
haze

2008-09-29T20:19:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I think it would all be easier if I just joined a convent.

On the other hand, I've never seen a nun with bangs....

Politically (un)Aware

2008-09-24T21:06:00.000-07:00

I am making a point to learn more about politics. I am going down to VA on Saturday to campaign for Obama and while I believe whole-heartedly that he is what this country needs (and I am not just speaking as a Democrat here...), I am growing increasingly frustrated with the fact that I don't have the time to fully educate myself. I started yesterday by delving further into both candidates' platforms. It taught me one thing: I am definitely still a Democrat.

I need to be more well-rounded and politically savvy. There's so much bullshit being thrown around this year that I need to arm myself to wade through it all. The mess of commercials and smear ads...it's hard to tell what is the truth anymore.

The more I research, though, the more disenchanted I become with our whole political system. We are all really self-absorbed. Take this latest economic crisis...we sat back and let it all crumble until the personal risk was at a breaking point. NOW it's time to step in and do something? Right. Waiting was a smart choice.

I know this is uncharacteristic of me. But if I'm going to go on this journey of discovery, I feel obliged to take you all along with me.

Phone Calls

2008-09-22T21:06:00.000-07:00

These words, so full of hope,
Yes, not even I could have seen this coming.
I hate your unresolved power,
But I love when you use it.
You are a perfect contradiction.

.....He called and texted more than I've told people. The truth is, I was scared to see that he actually might have cared. He is supposed to be off-limits. A bad boy.

And I'd forgotten. He said he was afraid for me to meet his friends. He said I would look down on him.

I hate pedestals. I hate being an angel. I hate that our images of one another are really the only thing that has ever held us back.

We got our palms read together once. I want that fortune teller to have been right. He told me that this bad-ass has secrets, that he's too scared to tell me how he really feels. That he cares but has trouble showing it.

Only his trouble was four months of "silence", while I wasted away after having settled again.

He tried. I ran. I lied.

Friday Five: "Happiness"

2008-09-21T20:26:00.000-07:00

What did you want to be when you were a kid?
I had a lot of strange dreams. Everything from an astronomer to a nurse or a country music singer. I finally settled on my current career path sometime in high school. I just had to realize where my true strengths lie.

What is your proudest accomplishment so far?
I'm not sure. I try to avoid pride, because I think it can lead to selfishness. I guess I feel the most proud when I stick up for myself. I am always working to be "better," so I can't pinpoint one specific moment.

What is your dream job?
English teacher. Duh. I couldn't ask for a more rewarding and challenging career path for myself. I think it suits my personality perfectly.

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
Hopefully with a happy family. Living on the water somewhere...with a boat! And a dog! I'm not going to lie...I may have white picket fence aspirations. Don't judge me.

What does it take to make you happy?
Not a whole lot. Just some good friends and good conversation. I'm fairly easy to please!

maybe just that P.M.S.

2008-09-15T18:39:00.000-07:00

I just don't want to feel empty anymore. I'm not sure what's missing.

My senior year is supposed to be amazing. Instead, I have suffered setback after setback.

My squad is down to three. I can't help but blame myself...and now I doubt any of them will be interested in doing winter guard. Apparently, you CAN push them too hard.

My first teaching experience alone was nothing short of a disaster. I was supposed to fill in for two periods so that my mentor teacher could leave early. The sub left halfway through my last period...and the kids were absolutely hellish. They pushed me to the edge and I completely lost my composure. Hard not to feel like a failure, even if it was only my third time in the classroom. I guess most of all, I hate to admit that 29 twelve year olds beat me.

Two of my close friends seem completely disinterested in my life. I can call, but I can tell they don't care anymore. I am hurting because I know that if they called me, even now, I would still do anything and everything for them.

It was a year ago on Saturday. And while I am happy to say that he barely crossed my mind, I am disappointed. I do not feel like I met the goals I set for myself to have met when this time came. And yes, I am absolutely placing too much bearing on being in a relationship (hence my string of failed ones). It is just so hard to see life working out for him, while I can't seem to get it together.

I don't have time to do the things I love. But I'm too proud to give up any of the things I am doing.

I have to be optimistic. The pendulum will swing back up. I'll come back and read this and laugh at how forlorn I was over nothing. yes, that's what will happen. It has to.

I like lists a lot.

2008-09-11T18:54:00.000-07:00

I would take the time to stop and give an actual life update, but I am afraid that I do not have the time.

I hope a list will suffice:

Single again (no real options, but I'm excited to take a hiatus...for now)

Starting to notice odd things about my male friends. Worried they may want to take things too far.
Working four mornings a week, varying hours, colorguard twice a week, and teaching on Fridays. Hectic does not cover it.
Loving life with my roommates. Feels good to surround myself with people who are so positive and supportive.
My classes are tough. Lots of work, but I have friends in all of them. This will help immensely.
Doubting my instructor abilities. Especially after I mentioned winter guard today and no one really seemed all that into it.
Have to pack my lunch for tomorrow. Don't want to do it.
Need to paint my nails. Also don't want to do it.
Lost power to the house randomly this morning. Came back just before I had to straighten my hair. Karma. Much happiness.
Redskins and Terps suck. Hoping they can pull it together.
Wishing the campus had done something today for 9/11. Still feel like one of the few who is still affected by it all. Said a prayer this morning for the victims and their families.
Trying to fight back pangs of loneliness. I just want to be in love again...but I have to remember to wait until it feels right. Not kind of right, but RIGHT.

These stupid games

2008-09-07T17:19:00.000-07:00

I am so annoyed that someone from my past, someone that I wanted to let go, can jump back into my life (but only when he knows I'm single) and make me smile and laugh like nothing ever happened.

I think what annoys me even more is the fact that I am still here, talking to him. Maybe I'm curious. Maybe I really just want to call him out on his bullshit.

So, Mr. October '07. Game on.

Another break-up

2008-09-04T19:28:00.001-07:00

I guess the important thing to remember is that I did what is best for me.

A True Fan

2008-09-01T06:58:00.000-07:00

I just woke up an hour early for work so I could choose my fantasy football team.

Hell. yes.

I am all moved into my house, and loving it so far. LOVING IT.

...that's kind of the only thing I am sure of right now, though.

Friday Five....a bit late...."Music"

2008-08-19T19:56:00.000-07:00

1. What is your favorite song right now? Why?

Colbie Caillat's latest, "Dreams Collide." It's relaxing and absolutely haunting. You can literally taste the emotion dripping out of this song, and I love that.

2. What genre of music makes you the happiest?

Anything acoustic with meaningful, clever lyrics. You can capture so much raw emotion with just a voice and a guitar...way more so than the overprocessed crap that is playing so much on the radio these days.

3. What would you name your band and what kind of music would you play?

Not to plug my own blog here or anything, but I'd probably say Blissful Discord or something like that. It fits my life philosophy...things can get crazy and chaotic, but you better damn well enjoy the excitement.

As far as style goes, definitely lots of bling, pimped out rides, and cash flying through the air everywhere.

...or, you could just give me a guitar. I guess I'd need to learn how to play first!

4. What is your favorite lyric of all time? Why?

I thought this would be a hard question. Really, though, only one verse from one of my favorite songs comes to mind:

"All the lights on and you are alive,
But you can't point the way to your heart,
So sublime when the stars are aligned,
But you don't know,
You don't know the greatness you are..."

It's from "Blue Eyes" by Cary Brothers. It's on the Garden State Soundtrack and this verse comes up toward the end during a huge instrumental build-up. I don't know why I'm so obsessed with it. It's been in my AIM profile for a long time now. I think maybe I love this verse because part of me knows it captures a little bit of who I am.

5. What band/artist could you never live without? Why?

Let me say this first...Backstreet Boys. For real. Their music takes me back to some of the happiest moments of my life. Not to mention it's fun to dance to.

And Lifehouse...from their "No Name Face" days. That is hands-down my favorite cd, and I don't think I would be who I am without this band and this album (their first major release).

insert maniacal laugh here

2008-08-19T19:55:00.000-07:00

A 16 year old seems to have declared war on me.

Moving Forward

2008-08-05T20:42:00.001-07:00

I think the difference is that...after tonight, I want to give these girls everything I can.

Screw anyone or anything that gets in my way.

on that downswing

2008-08-04T19:26:00.000-07:00

I don't feel okay at the moment.

Two major fights with my brother today. Feeling alienated from my family. I don't really have the energy to talk to anyone about it, because I feel like the only good it would do is solidify the fact that I need to get the hell out of here. I already know that, and there's nothing I can do in the meantime.

I want to cry my eyes out...but still, a voice in the back of my head keeps telling me that I am stronger than this. I don't know why I continue to do this to myself....let it all build up until I lash out at someone else. Big time. And THEN the tears come.

I try to live the hell out of life, because we only get one. Unfortunately, my balls to the wall attitude also applies to my emotions. I feel what I feel strongly. I think that gets me into trouble sometimes.

2008-07-31T20:27:00.000-07:00

Maybe I've got this in me after all.

Now, to get the rest of my life in order...

and that tune...

2008-07-29T19:37:00.001-07:00

*boom boom*
There goes my heart,
My cheeks flush with each cymbal crash, each high note,
The kind that makes the hairs on your neck rise up toward the God who lent them that voice,
And those words.

Oh, those words.
I wish I'd never heard them,
or let them sweep me off my feet.
I can't get his melody out of my mind, his chords,
They resonate.
Long after the power gets shut off, the lights dimmed,
They echo here. With all of the passion that went with them.

He was too good with his words,
Knew how to take his lyrics,
And left them higher. Lift me higher.

I think only he knew,
How far they would make me fall.

2008-07-28T21:40:00.000-07:00

I need to be inspired.

Life...hit me with some brilliance.

Don't give up quite yet.

2008-07-25T18:50:00.001-07:00

Yes, I am taking a study break to post this. Why? Because I stumbled across this poem while I was reviewing poetry, and fell in love with it. It's a bit on the long side...but this set of lines really struck me...and I wanted to share them.

From T.S. Eliot's "East Coker (Num. 2 of the Four Quartets)"

"...So here I am, in the middle way, having had twenty years—
Twenty years largely wasted, the years of l'entre deux guerres
Trying to use words, and every attempt
Is a wholly new start, and a different kind of failure
Because one has only learnt to get the better of words
For the thing one no longer has to say, or the way in which
One is no longer disposed to say it. And so each venture
Is a new beginning, a raid on the inarticulate
With shabby equipment always deteriorating
In the general mess of imprecision of feeling,
Undisciplined squads of emotion. And what there is to conquer
By strength and submission, has already been discovered
Once or twice, or several times, by men whom one cannot hope
To emulate—but there is no competition—
There is only the fight to recover what has been lost
And found and lost again and again: and now, under conditions
That seem unpropitious.
But perhaps neither gain nor loss.
For us, there is only the trying.
The rest is not our business...."

If you can't laugh at your family, who else can you laugh at?

2008-07-24T19:39:00.000-07:00

My entire family is sick, thanks to the snot-nosed, here-let-me-throw-up-on-you children that my mom sees in the pediatrician's office where she works. We are all congested to the brim...I'd like to think that we have become one big, gooey loogie.

With four people sick in one house with the SAME thing, certain household materials that would normally bring one person relief have become rare, precious commodities. Namely, tea, honey, and COUGH DROPS.

My brother and I got into a huge fight over who ate the last one (it was me, but who needs to know?!). And the second my mom found three cough drops hidden in the basket of crap lying next to her bed, we were ready to engage in a no holds-barred fight to the death for them.

Instead, we exchanged cough drops for the completion of various household chores. While I was scrambling to think of something, I calmly handed over my prized cough drop to my mother...once she reminded me that SHE had been the one to pick up my dog's poop after he shat all over the kitchen this morning while I left for work, laughing.

My mom, she wins. As for me, I'm just glad to see that in the midst of all this studying and guard rehearsing (not to mention missing an unnamed redhead who is probably relaxed as all hell at a freaking vineyard right now), I can still find some time to laugh. And write.

I am off to find some more buried treasure (read: red cherry cough drops).

Sort of a surprise, really.

2008-07-22T20:43:00.001-07:00

That I've missed him as much as I have. A mere four days...and I am really looking forward to seeing him tomorrow. I wasn't expecting to feel all this fuzzy stuff with anyone so soon. I am allowing myself to enjoy it. I don't really care what happens to us in six months, or even where we'll be in a week...but I'm living in the little moments, and loving the hell out of them.

The Friday Five---to counteract the bitch-fest

2008-07-20T09:54:00.000-07:00

1. If you could change one life-changing event in the life of someone important to you, would you?
Yeah, I think I'd send Liz to Emerson ASAP...despite the fact that I'd miss out on another year of her being at home, I know how much she wants to get out of here.
2. Which do you think is easier to do, being friends for many years, or being life partners for many years?
Life partners. Your friends don't have to wake up next to you every morning.
3. Have you ever walked away from someone you considered a friend?
Yes. Hard, but also incredibly necessary.
4. If you had to choose between telling the truth and hurting a friend or lying and making them happy, which would you choose?
This is admittedly a hard one for me. I think at this stage in my life, I would go for truth and hope that what I said wouldn't cost me the friendship. I used to lie just to please people, until it happened to me.
5. Which would you rather hear--the truth which will hurt, or the comforting lie?
The truth that will hurt. I've heard too many comforting lies. Truth I can bounce back from. Dishonesty, I can't.

bitch-fest.

2008-07-20T09:49:00.000-07:00

I'm sick, I'm on my period, I have to study all week, I have to work every day, my best friend is on vacation, and I probably won't be able to see my boyfriend until after I take the Praxis II on Saturday.

Life is great right now.

Fuck this.

Time Management

2008-07-15T19:51:00.001-07:00

Or the lack thereof. Somewhere between work, colorguard, studying, the new boyfriend, and my other friends, I have to find time for me. Haze is running on thin ice, people.

Although, I must say how fucking sick and tired I am of people giving me grief because they haven't seen me in a few weeks. I can't be everything to everyone all the time. I work everyday, I am trying to put together a kick-ass colorguard show for the fall, and I have a very important test to take in the next week and half, one that will determine whether or not I get my teacher's license after graduation. It's too much.

So please, cut me some goddam slack.

2008-07-08T18:14:00.000-07:00

I hate studying for this test. I feel totally inept.

Hey, PRAXIS II? Yeah. Screw you.

7/4...and a life metaphor.

2008-07-05T21:05:00.000-07:00

It was raining. Hard. The air pressed in thick against my skin. I felt hopeless, wondering if we would ever see sunshine. I worried that our plans would be ruined by the weather. More than anything, though, I was frustrated because it was all just so out of my control.

We were soaked, cold, and annoyed with the way the day had gone. His car got towed, I would spend two hours on the road driving him back and forth, and to top it off, the grey skies just kept dumping their wet misery on us.

When the colors exploded above us, I nuzzled into him. We both had hoodies on. There's nothing better than cuddling in sweatshirts. I lived in the moment. And it felt good to just be there. With him. Right then.

They say we should sit and wait for the fireworks, and the magic, to come to us. I think sometimes, we create them ourselves.

Letter to my Senior Self

2008-06-29T10:45:00.001-07:00

While my dad was cleaning out the basement today he came across an unopened envelope addressed to me, in my handwriting. Inside was a letter I wrote to myself in ninth grade English class to be sent to me and opened up my senior year of high school. I was surprised at how differently my life has turned out and now that I'm approaching my senior year of college, I thought I'd share a few excerpts of my insights as a 14 year old...along with some running commentary by me, 7 years later.

I wrote it on September 10, 2001 (yup, one day before 9/11...crazy).

At this stage in my life I have blond haiar. It's slowly getting darker from the roots out. I blow-dry it straight down and I clip back some of my bangs.

(Liz, shut up!) I hate changing my hair, for the record. But I wound up having to highlight it blond this past year because it got so dark!

I weigh about 105 pounds and I'm 5'3" tall...I try to dress comfortably instead of always wearing what is currently in style.

2 inches and 20 pounds later....and I definitely think about what I wear more these days.

I spend my time these days reading and spending time with my friends...I love to eat anything spicy. My favorite subjects in school are physics and gym.

Well, the first two sentences are still accurate. I loved gym, but I don't remember ever liking physics that much...

Much has happened in the past year to our world. George W. Bush is our new president and he is struggling to find ways to deal with our slumping economy. The Palestinians and Israelis are still at war. A young girl was struck by a car while trying to cross a busy street in my neighborhood. Over the summer, security cameras were installed in the hallways of PBHS.

Funny how some things don't change at all...

I have been thinking about my choice in friends and whether or not they are really the type of people that I should be hanging out with.

Wow. If I only knew how right I was back then.

I would love to some day become an astronomer and attend a top college like Harvard or Yale. By my senior year of high school I would like to have gotten straight A's on my report card at least five times.

God, I was a freaking dork! I'm a lot happier as a budding teacher than I think I would have been had I accomplished the goals I set for myself back then. I forgot that I didn't really get dead-set on teaching English until AP Language and Composition my junior year.

Those are the highlights, I guess. I think this is something I'd be interested in doing with my students in a few years. I'd probably make it a little less contrived...it reads like a fill-in-the-blanks sort of assignment.

whoa.

2008-06-26T19:26:00.000-07:00

Ever written something quickly, forcefully, with so much emotion that you look back on it and scare yourself?

That just happened to me. I may have just had the most intense writing experience of my life.

And I think it just made me fall in love with my words all over again.

2008-06-24T20:31:00.000-07:00

One of my friends from high school might have cancer.

And no, I'm not okay.

Friday Five: On Me

2008-06-22T09:24:00.001-07:00

1) what is one thing about you that you hate?

That I can't stick up for myself. It is hard for me to conflict with anyone, because I am afraid of people being mad at me. Product of my childhood, I suppose.

2) what is one thing about you that you love?

My humility. It keeps me grounded. I am always striving to be better. Unfortunately, though, I have a hard time accepting compliments because I always feel like I should have done more.

3) if you had to change one thing about you what would it be and why?

I would want to be more aggressive about doing what I want. I don't always look out for myself. I tend to fall into situations where I know I will get hurt so that someone else will be happy.

4) what is one word that you would use to define yourself?

self-less. It may be my biggest flaw, but I'd do anything for the people I care about.

5) imagine what you would look like in a perfect world...what do you look like?
I kind of like the way I am. Maybe a little more toned, with skin that can actually HOLD a tan!

2008-06-21T20:19:00.001-07:00

No wonder my self-worth seems to have gone down the shitter. This house is truly taking everything.

Hiatus

2008-06-19T20:07:00.001-07:00

A lot has happened in the past week. A lot.

I need time to process, but I'll be back...I promise!!!

Roadtrip

2008-06-16T20:03:00.001-07:00

Today, for the first time in over three weeks, I had a day off work. After some friendly deliberations, Liz and I decided to head to SMCM in Southern MD, where I went to college during my freshman year.

It was important to me that she see the campus. I don't think you can fully understand who I am and how much I have grown since high school graduation without spending some time at SMCM. I may have left after just a year, but the school has always remained a very special place to me.

The views were spectacular today. The sun seemed to hit the water at just the right moments, making me question how I could really have walked away from such a beautiful place. My mind was blazing with memories wherever we walked. I had lost sight of just how much had happened to me there.

My favorite part of the day was sitting behind Trinity Church, overlooking the river on all sides. I didn't feel as though words were needed to explain how happy I felt to be there at that moment. I felt alive, comfortable. I blame the breezes coming off the water (ha..ha...), but I definitely teared up at one point from just being there again.

I felt a little overwhelmed a few times, realizing how far away my year down there seems. My life has changed a lot since then. But I am definitely more appreciative of where I am now after having seen (one more time) where I've been. And I am so happy that I got to share a special place with someone who's become equally special to me.

Some stuff I wrote last night.

2008-06-14T08:04:00.001-07:00

Nothing's been edited. I'm afraid that if I go back over it, I'll wuss out and leave it in its hand-written form. So here's what I wrote, straight from my brain to the page in the purest way.

There are times when I still glimpse you out of the corner of my eye. I feel as though there should be a fleeting happiness, a skipping heart, a flushed face. But what springs upon me is fear. I am afraid that one look, one moment, will make me fall again. I am afraid to hurt. To cry. To reopen wounds that I have haphazardly tied shut with strings of self-pity and insecurity. Most of all, I am frightened by your ability to make me write words like these, even after so much time has passed us by.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Softly, trembling, her fingers trace the outline of her self-portrait.
Tears of pride fall and mix with those that have come before--of sadness, love, fear, anger, desperation, fatigue, regret--
Smudging the outline she had so carefully crafted for herself so many years ago.
Her eyes rest on that head, housing
That ever-questioning, exploring mind.
Tapping the page knowingly, she smiles,
Seeing the journey stretched out behind her, the echoes of past moments not so easily forgotten.
There. There are the hands that have caressed, calmed, collided, and carried.
The legs that have run, rushed, and reached.
Her gaze moves to the heart, so often edited and erased.
She peels back the layers she has glued and taped over it,
Feeling the pain of seeing all of her past mistakes laid out tangibly before her.
Blindly, fearfully even, she reaches for the scissors,
Cuts out that heart, cuts away the rest,
Because the feelings matter more than the body parts she used to create them.
She closes her hand around that tiny heart,
Placing it up against her own,
The real life,
Beating version.
She will be okay. She knows that now.

A Let-Down

2008-06-13T20:51:00.000-07:00

I just found a stack of journals in my room. I remember buying them all, in the hopes that I'd fill them up quickly with thoughts, poetry, and song lyrics. When I flip through them, they are blank. All but one. I need to start writing by hand again. It's the only way I can produce anything worth being proud of.

I think my basic plan is to write something in one of those books, then put it up here.

Because, really, it's time for me to start revealing this other side of me. The one that I rarely have the courage to expose on here.

mirrors.

2008-06-13T11:59:00.000-07:00

Why is it that someone else's pain so often reveals my own selfishness?

There are so many people out there with issues deeper than my own. I have to remember that when I go off about petty shit.

Leveling Out, and Some Cheese

2008-06-11T20:35:00.000-07:00

We talked about the stars. How strange it was that we could see so many in my little suburban town. I was scared, not of him or of what was happening. That part felt natural. The fact that there was nothing wrong...that scared me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is nice to see that the prayers I've been offering up for my friends are being fulfilled. I'm not sure I've gone into my theological beliefs on here before, but I've found that when I feel utterly helpless in my ability to help the people I care about, I pray for them at night before I go to sleep. I'm no hardcore Bible-thumper, but the only way I can feel at peace with myself and my relationships is to do this from time to time. Sometimes the only way I can feel in control is to give up control.

I wish I could say that my strength and will to fight comes from inside me, that I can just magically pull myself up by the metaphorical bootstraps and keep walking.

But that's bullshit.

It's you. And you don't even fully realize it, how much you've done and continue to do for me on a daily basis. I fight because I know you need me as much as I need you.

2008-06-08T12:21:00.001-07:00

I've just finished wasting away my afternoon watching The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants...and crying my eyes out. After years of being teased for so much as even owning the movie, I usually only watch it by myself now. Something about the relationship those girls have with one another, it makes me miss what I used to have.

Those friendships are hard to come by these days. And while I certainly still have a best friend who I love dearly, it is getting progressively harder for me to watch movies or read books that remind me just how much I've lost.

2008-06-08T08:56:00.000-07:00

I won't let myself be excited. But every so often, I find myself having to bite my lip to keep me from smiling.

Things I Do at Work...Instead of my Job

2008-06-03T14:32:00.000-07:00

So here's the challenge, an idea stolen from this book :

Write a memoir of your life, something that sums it up, captures who you and where you are now, etc. The catch? You have to do it in just six words. No more, no less. Six. Those of you out there who write, try it out on your own blogs!

My Six Word Memoir:

My idealism no longer suits me.

GOOD LUCK!

Patterns

2008-06-02T14:08:00.000-07:00

Just another collection of things I've written down lately. I've actually mustered up the guts to put this stuff online, soooo yeah.

"Here I am again. I should be used to this by now. The fear, the excitement; all bringing back memories of the days I couldn't breathe, move, or believe in myself. I'm used to running. Distance keeps me safe, keeps me sane, keeps the tears from falling. Fight or flight...which one will make me whole?"

This next one is actually a bit old...but it struck me reading it again...I called it Monster when I wrote it (late April), but I don't think I'm feeling that so much now.

"The broken chords rip-roar in that place where my dreams and my fears collide and explode, Into fragments of what could be, but won't. I stoop down under the frame of your expectations, Gingerly lifting the shards and putting them in my hand. The cracked and frayed lines of my palms are like pillows, Cradling what I have become. Broken. Shattered. Maybe even a little unrecognizable. The light that dances across the glass seems hollow, As if the fall from grace sucked out the life, And everything that used to gleam so brightly, Is only a reflection now, Projecting the shadows, What it sees in me."

And an ode to the guys, something I probably wrote after one of my bar excursions with my girls...

"They are so anxious to hunker down and bear in. No introduction, please, just straight to the sex, they say. Not the love. Not the hand-holding, kissing, cuddling. Just. the sex. None of the strings, none of the feeling, Hit it. Quit it. High-five from my buddy who worked it out with her tonight. Never mind that she was drunk. "She wanted me." I think it's just fear, no need to actually FEEL when on the prowl for your next lay. You finish. IT'S finished, But it's never actually over, Because the more you get, the more you want, And then, there's no one left to want YOU, If you even know who 'you' is these days. You're just like the other guy, and the one before that. So no, sorry, we are not hooking up tonight."

2008-06-01T11:18:00.000-07:00

I wonder...maybe things do come around when we least expect them to. Or maybe the water brings out my romantic side.

Friday Five (or...six, technically)

2008-05-30T13:58:00.001-07:00

"With the following phrases, post a single image of the strongest thought/idea that pops into your head."
1.) Favorite Food:

2.) Least Favorite Food:

3.) Favorite Thing:

4.) Least Favorite Thing:

5.) A phobia:

6.) An addiction: